


Astronomy in Reverse

by Avali



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: And so will everyone talking about their feelings, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Solo Deserved Better, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Canon Compliant, Everyone needs therapy but we'll hug it out at least, F/M, Fix-It, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Found Family, JJ might have hecked it up BUT Dave Filoni has given us everything we need to canonically fix it, Let's fill in all these freaking plot holes, PTSD, Thank you Dave, The World Between Worlds will be making an appearance, There's a lot of Force ghosts here actually, Trauma, We're also going to let Ahsoka and Anakin talk out their feelings now that he's a good ghost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-23
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:54:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 28,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21910024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avali/pseuds/Avali
Summary: After it all, Rey finds herself suddenly sick, unable to heal from an illness no one can diagnose. Rey travels to Ahch-To to see if she can solve the mystery. But there was far more to this dyad than anyone understood, and Rey's very survival depends on the impossible...reuniting with Ben Solo.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 105
Kudos: 171





	1. Chapter 1 - Vulnerability

**Author's Note:**

> “Slow down  
> Start again from the beginning  
> I can’t keep my head from spinning out of control  
> Is this what being vulnerable feels like?”  
> \--”Son” by Sleeping at Last

If she’s honest with herself, Rey hasn’t felt good in...quite some time.

The weeks of aftermath have been chaotic, so it’s reasonable that she’d be tired. She and Finn are Poe’s sole support network at this point, the only people that he feels safe to be real with. Rey knows he’s tired too. She can feel it in the Force, the exhaustion setting in over him as he arranged Leia’s memorial service.

Leia Organa, Princess of Alderaan, Senator, General, Hero of the Rebellion and the Resistance. The magnitude of the loss hit her in a wave as Poe gave her eulogy.

Leia, Luke, Han, Ben. All of them, gone.

No memorials were held for Ben Solo, save for the vigil she kept in her own heart, but even now, only a few weeks later, it’s hard for her to recall with perfect clarity the moment that smile broke his face after she had kissed him--

“Dinner’s ready,” Finn called, and Rey looked up from the Jedi tome open on her lap that she’d been staring at without really reading. Poe met her eyes from where he was typing out messages on his datapad, smiling weakly. Finn was a terrible cook. Rey, who had lived on meager ration bars for half her life, wasn’t bothered by it. Poe took it with as much grace as possible.

Rey closed the book and set it back on the table, standing up--

Stars danced across her vision, and the world spun before her into blackness.

####

It was the sound of worried voices that finally woke her, the panic bleeding through the Force from her two best friends.

“Why am I on the floor?” Rey asked, rubbing her head, which hurt for some bizarre reason.

“You passed out,” Poe said from over Finn’s shoulder. “I’ll find my comlink, we can call for a medic--”

“I’m fine,” Rey shook her head, but the movement only made the swimming sensation worse. Finn’s mouth was set in a thin line, his brown eyes piercing as he stared down at her, his hands on her shoulders.

Rey gave the tiniest shake of her head--no. This might have been Poe’s first time seeing her collapse, but...it hadn’t been Finn’s. She’d begged him not to tell Poe. He’s got too much on his plate already, Finn, she’d argued, and he’d reluctantly agreed to keep this newfound...whatever it was...quiet for now.

“Rey, that’s not--”

“Poe, I said I’m fine,” Rey forced herself to sit up through the nausea and dizziness, relying a little more on Finn’s steady support than she wanted to admit. “We’re all exhausted. You know how it is.”

Poe blinked, staring down at her, and she met his eyes, defiant.

“Well, I haven’t randomly lost consciousness despite being tired, so maybe we should be more worried--”

You also didn’t die, she wanted to scream, but that was something she’d kept quiet about too.

“I just need some rest, okay? Save me some--” she looked to Finn, waiting for him to supply the answer.

“Soup,” he said quietly.

“That,” Rey nodded, accepting Finn’s help to pull her to her feet. “I’m going to go lay down for a bit.”

The two boys watched her. Part of her wanted to break, to tell them everything. To do anything to ease the anxiety she could feel radiating off of them in the Force--

Which is about more than you, she reminded herself. Don’t make things worse.

“I’ll be fine,” she said, forcing a smile that didn’t feel sincere and hoping they couldn’t tell. “Seriously. Save me some soup and wake me in an hour, okay?”

Without waiting to see their response, she turned and walked down the halls of the Falcon--which had somehow became their new de facto apartment, the three of them sharing with Chewie and an entire retinue of droids at this point--until she got to the first open room, Finn’s, and collapsed on the bed.

#####

When she finally woke up again, Finn was sitting on the end of her bed. Fortunately, Poe was nowhere in sight. The look he was giving her wasn’t too unlike some of the looks Leia had given her when she’d pushed herself too far in training.

“You need to see a doctor,” Finn said firmly, no room for discussion in his voice.

Rey sat up, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“I did,” she finally admitted. “They said there’s no source for...whatever this is.”

“Then we need to go to a different doctor--”

“I don’t think a normal doctor can fix this, Finn,” she said quietly. He scooted closer to her, and she rested her head on his shoulder. She’d always dreamed of her parents coming back for her as a child, hoping she’d have a brother or a sister. In Finn and Poe, she’d found the brothers she’d always wanted--one her constant protector and best friend, the other a consistent source of annoyance that she knew would do anything for her. “I think it’s...maybe like a wound in the Force.”

“Is it something I can help with?” he asked tentatively.

During those weeks, she’d finally asked him. What he’d meant to say that day, when he’d told her there was something he needed to tell her, when they’d all thought they were dying.

”I think I’m like you, Rey,” he’d said, so hesitant, and she’d grinned from ear to ear.

“I thought so, but I just wasn’t sure,” she admitted. “This is all really new to me too. We’ll learn together, okay?”

“I don’t even know how to fix it myself,” she shook her head. “I’ve been thinking, though. Maybe I’ll go back to Ahch-To. That was the place that I made the decision to follow this journey. Maybe that’s the place I’ll find the answers to these questions.”

“I’ll go with you,” Finn said instantly, just like she knew he would.

“You need to stay here, with Poe,” she said, gently but firmly. “He needs the support more than I do.” Finn opened his mouth to protest, but Rey shook her head again. “You know it’s true. I’ll take the X-wing and bring a long-range comm system. I’ll call you as soon as I get there. I’ll be fine.”

“What if you get sick on the way?” 

“I’ll take R2 with me,” she answered. “Trust me, it’ll be fine.”

She could tell he didn’t like it, could feel it radiating off of him in waves through the Force, but he finally nodded.

“Don’t stay gone too long,” he said, reaching down and squeezing her hand.

“Never,” she smiled, squeezing back.

#####

Of course Finn and Poe went to see her off, both of them fretting around her, R2, and the X-wing like doting parents while Chewbacca, C3PO, BB-8, and D-0 waited to the side.

“We packed extra ration bars, just in case,” Finn was saying. “And plenty of water cartons, so be sure to stay hydrated. Don’t forget the stuff you packed.”

“I’ve fixed your ship with R2, so the long range comms should work just fine. I went ahead and programmed the coordinates for you too, so all you have to do is punch it. You’d better call us as soon as you get there,” Poe added, and Chewie gave a growl that sounded a bit like a laugh behind them, scooping all of them up into a hug.

“I’ll call you when I get there,” Rey rolled her eyes, sitting Luke’s helmet on her head as R2 got into place. “I promise I’ll check in every night, okay?”

“You’d better,” Poe grinned. Finn stepped forward and hugged her one more time.

“May the Force be with you,” he murmured against her hair, and she felt her heart seizing up and forced back the tears.

“And with you,” she replied, squeezing tightly before letting go and climbing into the X-wing before she could change her mind.

It was only after she’d made the jump to hyperspace, stars streaking by in blue light that she knew she’d never take for granted, that she finally let the tears fall.

Regardless of what she’d told Finn, she knew the truth, deep within her. Had Finn felt it too? Is that why he’d seemed so distressed?

The truth was, this was more than a simple wound in the Force, and Rey knew it. Whatever was wrong with her was far beyond her understanding to fix.

These spells were coming more and more frequently, and she was just grateful that Finn had only seen half of them and Poe, just the one. Whatever was wrong with her was...complicated.

She’d been in magnificently good health all her life, which was a blessing, given that there wasn’t an abundance of medical care on Jakku, especially not any that she could afford. For the first time in her life, though, that constant was gone.

Rey was far, far more sick than she had told her boys.

And despite her very best efforts to maintain her consciousness, eventually the blue stars around her clouded her vision and she slipped away again.

######

When Rey was awake, she’d feel his absence, like a gaping maw in her heart, threatening to overwhelm her--a grief like none she’d ever known.

But here, in the darkness of unconsciousness, she felt him. At the edges of her periphery, like a memory just out of reach--

Ben Solo.

#####

Ahch-To was lonelier than she remembered, but that was fine. She needed quiet for what she was about to do.

The two lightsabers that belonged to the closest things to masters she had ever had--Luke and Leia--felt heavy on her belt, as did the satchel that carried the old Jedi tomes. The backpack Finn and Poe had packed for her with a few changes of clothes, rations, and all the necessities they felt she’d need were even heavier, and she was relying on her staff far more for stability than protection from the endless flocks of porgs. One landed on R2’s head, and he gave a squeal that sent the porg into a similar scream, and she couldn’t help but smile.

Home was with her friends, wherever they were. She knew that now, though it had taken all her life to learn. But if home had to be tethered to a place, Rey thought she’d want it to be here, in the fields of endless green and quiet.

She left her backpack in the small structure she’d lived in during her short tenure on Ahch-To before, and sat down to rest for a few minutes. It was hard to believe that it had been so recently that she’d run the obstacle course at the Resistance base as training. Where had that endless energy gone?

The endless void inside of you, a terrified voice inside of her whispered, and she swallowed, trying to send the feeling away with it.

She wasn’t sure she’d ever have enough energy for the hike to come, but she did anyway, going up to that tallest spire where she’d once met Luke.

It took...much longer than she cared to acknowledge. 

By the time she reached the top, she collapsed more than sat, breathing heavily. At least she hadn't passed out on the ascent. The ground was too rocky for R2 to follow, so he'd waited at the bottom, twittering in concern. 

She needed to arrange herself in a position to meditate. She was a Jedi--she wanted to have the dignity of sitting in a proper posture or at least kneeling, but instead, she choked back a sob and decided that resting on her hands and knees was sufficient.

The emptiness was swirling within her again, but she tried to ignore it and reach for the Force around her--

Be with me, be with me, be with me.

She wasn't sure if it was a prayer or a plea or a simple cry for help, but Luke had appeared here once before and surely, surely he would have answers--

Despite the void within her, she felt a shimmer in the Force. It took all of her effort to look up.

She nearly cried in relief at seeing them. Luke and Leia. Together.

Finally, she could ask the question that her heart had been screaming for weeks, beating against the walls of the smile she'd kept up to assuage her friends' fears--

"Where's Ben?" 

He'd vanished in her hands, leaving her with nothing but a black sweater that she still had hidden in the bottom of her bag. She knew what that meant. Maz had explained it when Rey didn't understand where Leia's body was. They'd joined the Living Force, body and spirit, and with time, they'd be able to appear as Luke had to her.

By that logic, he should be here. 

Luke and Leia looked to each other with anxious expressions, and Rey's heart plummeted into the abyss within her.

"We...don't know," Luke finally said.

"How--how can you not know?" She crossed her arms, digging her fingernails into her skin, focusing on the sting to keep from sobbing. "He's your son!" She looked to Leia.

"I know," Leia whispered. "We've searched for him but…"

"It's weird," Luke simply said. "We feel him, but from a distance, like he's...far away."

"Another planet, maybe?" Rey asked, clinging on to the tiny thread of hope that was growing within her. 

"That's not how the Force works," Luke smiled, but there was something sad in his eyes. "It's like he's...somewhere between here," he pointed to Rey, "and this," he finished, waving his hand to encompass...the entire Living Force, Rey assumed. 

"Rey," Leia asked gently, reaching for her even though physical contact across the veil was impossible. "I know you're grieving. I understand that all too well," she said, her voice catching a little, and Luke put an arm around her shoulders. "But something seems...wrong. Are you okay?"

The entire reason she had come was to ask them for help, but right now, she just needed...space. Time. Something.

"I'm fine," she nodded. "I'm...I need some time to meditate."

"Take all the time you need," Leia said, pressing a ghostly kiss Rey couldn't feel to her forehead.

#####

The descent had not been nearly as kind as the ascent, and what should have been an easier trek down was made far more complicated by her losing consciousness at some point.

She awoke sprawled in the green grass with R2 beeping wildly over her, prodding her with one of his tools. 

"I'm okay," she said, but she made no move to move from the position she'd collapsed in. Maybe she'd call Luke and Leia back, beg for help--

R2 was still chattering up a storm though, almost fast enough that Rey struggled to catch what he was saying.

"Your friend? There's no one--" 

But she could feel it. Something blinding in the Force, like the sun at its highest point at Jakku--

The ghost in front of her was...not Luke or Leia. She'd never seen this man before. Young, tousled hair, a scar that reminded her of Ben's. The robes seemed Jedi-like, at least.

He was crouched down so that he was closer to eye level with her, and she forced herself into a more dignified position, sitting to face him. 

"Who are you?" she finally asked, ashamed at how breathless she sounded from the simple effort of sitting up.

There was a slight hesitation on the man's part before he offered a sheepish smile.

"Anakin Skywalker. I'm...I'm Luke's dad," he added by means of explanation.

It took Rey longer than she would have liked--much longer than usual--to piece that implication together. 

"Luke's dad was a Sith lord," she said, cautiously. She didn't feel anything dark about him, was pretty sure Sith couldn't join the Living Force--

"He redeemed me at the end, remember?" Anakin asked gently, and suddenly, every bit of rage in Rey flared up at once.

"You monster," she spat, and Anakin held his hands up in some sort of pointless surrender. "You--you had the ability to be a ghost! All this time!"

"I didn't exactly know you before--"

"Not me!" Her voice was ragged, angry tears streaming down her face. "Ben! Your grandson who worshipped the ground you walked on."

"Palpatine was--"

"I know, pretending to be Vader! But if you would have just taken a second of your precious time to appear\--"

"I couldn't!" Anakin yelled, and Rey felt the raw Force power reverberate through both of them, and she immediately stopped talking. "I couldn't," Anakin said, quieter this time. "Palpatine was blocking Leia from me ever seeing her so that I could never apologize. One last punishment," Anakin scowled. "But once she conceived my grandson...he completely enveloped him. I'm many things, but...I never could overpower him. None of us could ever figure out how he was doing it." There was no disguising the pain in his voice, his eyes. "So I watched, unable to reach him, as he repeated every single mistake and I couldn't save him either."

They sat together in heavy silence.

"I have to bring him back," Rey finally whispered. She'd never say it in front of Luke or Leia. She wasn't even sure if it was possible.

Anakin laughed, but it wasn't mocking. Rey tilted her head to indicate for him to continue, but the motion just made her nauseous.

"That...that was what finally tipped me over the edge to the dark side," he said quietly. "I just wanted to save Padmé."

"Luke and Leia's mom?" Rey asked, barely a whisper. The way he said her name was like starlight captured, like a wish that couldn't come true. 

"Yes. My wife. She was...she was the better part of me, that's for sure," Anakin winced. "Leia looks just like her, though. I don't know how I never noticed it. But Rey, I don't want you to fall down the same path I did. That Ben did."

For a moment, Rey wondered if he knew the horrific truth. That, somewhere in her DNA, she carried remnants of the man who had ruined his life.

"No," Anakin shook his head, as if reading her thoughts. Maybe he was. "Family is everything, but it's...it's way more complicated than just who you're related to. It's who loves you, you know? I had Padmé, and once Vader died, I had at least one of my kids, but there's Obi-Wan, who's like my brother. Ahsoka, who was like another kid to me…" He trailed off, lost in memories.

Rey gave him a second to compose himself, and he finally continued.

"Knowing that Palpatine's grandkid brought him down is a revenge that feels really good, to be honest," he smirked, but then the seriousness was back. "But I can't watch you repeat my past, Rey. Not even for the grandson I couldn't save."

"I have no intention of using the dark side to bring him back," she clarified. Honestly, from everything she had read in the Jedi tomes, she wasn't convinced that the Sith rituals would even bring back Ben as she'd loved him. She certainly had no desire to bring Kylo Ren back. 

At that, Anakin smiled.

"You're far better off than I was, then. Okay, so what's your plan?" he asked, clapping his hands together. Rey smiled too--his enthusiasm was contagious. She wished she wasn't so exhausted.

"I'd come here expecting to find his ghost, to be honest. My next plan was to ask Luke and Leia for help."

"Hmm," Anakin crossed his arms, standing up and pacing. Rey wasn't sure she could stand, so she remained sitting. "Problematic. I guess the kids already told you he's not here." Rey nodded. "Did they explain how he feels?"

"Like he's far away?"

"It's like he's adjacent to us, but we can't reach him," Anakin shook his head. "I've only experienced that one other time."

"Really?" Rey looked up at him. Even as a ghost, he was tall. Maybe that's where Ben got it from. It was hard not to look for parallels between the two of them. "That could be a promising lead. Who was it?"

"My padawan, Ahsoka Tano," Anakin sat back down, pretzel-legged across from her. "She feels the exact same way. I've tried reaching out to her, to apologize, but I can't find her. It's not that she's blocking me, it's just that she's...out of reach. Like she's somewhere between my world and yours."

"That's certainly a place we can start looking," Rey said. It was a long shot, but it was more hope than she'd had earlier. She went to stand up, but dizziness overwhelmed her and she sat back down.

"You okay, kid?" Anakin blinked.

Somehow, the fact that she barely knew him made it easier to ask.

"Something...something is wrong with me," she said, clasping her hands together. "Ever since Ben died, things have been...wrong. I know I'm grieving, I get that, it's just...I'm sick, but I don't know why. Do you have any idea what's wrong with me?"

"Hmmm." Anakin rocked back on his heels, looking her over as if the answer were written on her skin. "Did you two have like, a force bond or anything?"

"Palpatine called it a dyad." She rubbed her hands along her arms. He's dead, Rey, forever this time. He can't hurt you.

"Never heard of it. What was it like?" Anakin asked.

How did she even begin to explain it?

"No amount of space ever really separated us. At first, it was just being able to communicate but...it became physical, tangible. We could touch, pass items through, duel." She closed her eyes, reaching for the spot within her that had been him, and the abyss within her threatened to consume her again. "It was like we were one soul but in two people."

Anakin stared at her, wide-eyed. Rey had seen that look of panic too many times amongst her own friends in the Resistance. 

"May I?" Anakin stretched out his hand and Rey nodded her consent. It wasn't like she had anything to lose at this point. 

He closed his eyes and she reflexively closed hers as he reached out to her with the Force. She had...never really felt anything like this, not with Luke, Leia, or Ben. Anakin's Force signature was brighter than anything she'd ever felt, but it didn't hurt. It was more like the sensation of stepping into a warm shower after being very cold. Strange, but not unpleasant.

She opened her eyes when she felt him retreat, but the look on his face was...not quite what she was hoping to see.

"Well," Anakin clapped his hands together, standing up to pace again. Rey had watched Poe stall too many times to not know exactly what he was doing. 

"You know what's wrong with me," she said, more of a statement than a question.

"A Force bond so strong that you could physically reach through it," Anakin repeated, and she nodded. "Like your souls were conjoined in the Force." Rey nodded again. 

Anakin knelt down again beside her and put a ghostly hand on her shoulder, and in that moment, Rey had a very, very bad feeling about this.

"How do you like your bad news delivered, Rey?" 

That question from anyone else might have felt heartless, but...there was a certain directness to it that Rey could appreciate. So much of her life had been shrouded in secrecy that his directness and honesty was a bit refreshing. 

"Quickly and to the point," she said, bracing herself for the worst.

"I felt your Force signature. I...actually kind of felt Ben through it, like a distant echo or a light that's really far away." Anakin bit his lip. "But you are right. Your Force signatures are impossibly entangled, intertwined.

"Your very essence calls out to be with him, Rey," Anakin said, and Rey couldn't stop the helpless laugh. Tell me something I don't already know, she thought. "No, you don't understand--"

"I don't?" Rey laughed. It was hysterical and she knew it but she felt helpless. Again. "You're right, I have no idea what it feels like to feel a constant connection to someone, to the point that I could just turn around and he was there and now he's gone--"

Her voice broke. It was the first time she'd said it out loud and she rubbed her fists to her eyes, helpless to stop the tide of emotion she felt coming. Anakin simply let her cry it out, sitting beside her and feeling just a little like Ben and Luke and Leia. 

When she was finally done, she looked up at him. She registered his hesitation and wanted to scream.

"Just tell me," she pleaded.

"You feel that way because it's real," Anakin said. "What you feel here...that connection to Ben isn't just emotional. It's knit into the very fabric of the Force itself. The two of you have to be together."

He paused, cleared his throat.

"Which means that, whether you want to or not, you will always be reaching for him. Like...like one of those compass things," he said, forming his fingers like an upside-down V. "Your soul is trying to get to him."

Rey was so, so tired. 

None of this was making sense.

Anakin sighed, looking defeated.

"It means you--quite literally--can't live without him."

Somewhere in her exhausted mind, a horrible understanding started dawning on her.

Anakin's voice was impossibly gentle.

"You're dying, Rey."


	2. Chapter 2 - Memory

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trapped in-between, Ben reaches for the light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Now I bear little resemblance  
> To the king I once was.  
> I bear little resemblance   
> to the king I could become.  
> Maybe paper is paper,   
> maybe kids will be kids.  
> But Lord, I want to remember   
> how to feel like I did."  
> \--"East" by Sleeping at Last

Awash in a sea of fleeting memories, he tries to remember.

The expanse seems endless and in it he floats, unsure of where he ends and the Force begins.

Of one thing he is certain. There are edges to this prison and he has pressed up against all of them, desperate to escape this...in-between. 

Here, with nothing but the silence, he has nothing to do but remember.

His name, he wants to remember his name but--

Flash.

A rush of panic, waking up from a nightmare, a dark room, thousands of voices--no, son, it was just a nightmare, it can't hurt you--but he knows it's real, can feel it gripping his heart--

Pain.

Kill them, his master demands, but he doesn't want to--they're unarmed prisoners, this is wrong--screaming in pain along with the prisoner as the torture droids go for them both, cut the prisoner down maybe it's mercy--don't you want to be loved, Kylo, then do as I say--blinding pain--

No. 

He tries to think it firmly, with what little agency he still has. There is almost nothing here, no sound, no warmth, not even the beating of his own heart. What does it feel like to feel alive? He's afraid he'll never remember. 

But there is the tether of light. An anchor to hold in an endless ocean storm. 

This tether is all that is left of who he was before and he clings to it, pulling himself away from the entropic maw of nothing and to the edges, where there is light, where there is hope.

It takes an eternity but he finally finds it, the edge of this expanse, the anchor at the end of this impossibly warm cord of light.

The veil is thin here and he sees her, drinks the sight of her in like a sunrise-- 

She whips around, a whispered prayer on her lips--

"Ben?"

Memories flutter around him like leaves falling from a tree and he reaches out for them frantically. 

The moment he realizes this bond transcends even physics as he reaches out to touch her--

Back-to-back fighting, adrenaline racing through his veins, Snoke is dead and she is here, she is here--

His final moments breathing, staring up at her in awe, unsure of how he has managed to get here but so incredibly grateful--

Her, over and over again, the one he would follow to the very edge of the universe and beyond: Rey.

Him, once Kylo, but renamed in a baptism on Endor, his father behind him and a future ahead of him: Ben Solo. 

Understanding comes in flashes, shadows skittering across a sea of consciousness--

Dyad, his other half. She is the hope to which he is tethered.

She slumps over, looking defeated. He reaches for the barrier between them, pressing up against it as hard as he can, somehow even in the void there is still pain--none of it as bad as watching her slowly break for just a minute before she returns to her book. She cannot see him. He cannot reach her. 

Maybe this is better, he thinks. He can't hurt her here, can't disappoint her.

He can still hold onto the light, hold on to his identity--his thoughts start swirling, threatening to escape, and he rushes against the barrier again--not alone, not again, not again\--

On the other side, Rey collapses.

This is the first coherent thought he has had in the lifetime he has spent in the in-between: he is a weight that is dragging her to the abyss with him. 

One way or another, both of them will drown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SO UH...thanks for clicking the kudos and the comments button I'M SO GLAD WE'RE ALL SUFFERING TOGETHER. ♡♡
> 
> (Always happy to know what you think! ♡)


	3. Chapter 3 - Thread by Thread

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Thread by thread I come apart.  
> If brokenness is a work of art,  
> Surely this must be my masterpiece."  
> \--"Neptune" by Sleeping at Last

With R2's help, Rey had started assembling the long-range comm device. Honestly, Finn and Poe would probably be livid if they knew she'd waited and not done this immediately. She'd taken a nap after her initial talk with Anakin, barely resting, sensing echoes that felt like Ben over and over again, only for her to reach for them and find the same emptiness. 

R2 was doing most of the work, to be fair. Rey had started, felt dizzy, and when R2 nudged her out of the way, she had let him. Anakin had rematerialized and was enthusiastically chatting with R2 about the comm system, the fighter, and some new upgrades R2 had received since Anakin had last flown with him, back in the Clone Wars.

"This ship looks like absolute garbage," Anakin grinned, staring up at it.

"It was submerged for a really long time," Rey reminded him. 

"Unacceptable," Anakin scoffed, acting offended. Or maybe he actually was. Rey couldn't quite tell with him. 

"Page turn, please," a quiet voice to her right said. 

Anakin had brought Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi with him today, which had been...a strange experience. Luke and Leia had stopped by for a moment to tell everyone they were going to try and find Ben, and he'd shimmered in the Force, looking like an old man. As soon as they were gone and Anakin addressed him, he'd shimmered back to a younger man with neat hair and a clean-trimmed beard.

"It's easiest to manifest in the form they know you best in," he'd explained as Rey had stared at him with wide eyes. "Luke and Leia knew me best at the end of my life. That...time is far less comfortable to Anakin," he added, the last part quiet enough that his former padawan couldn't hear him. 

While Anakin and R2 looked at the comm device, she and Obi-Wan had leafed through the old Jedi tomes. Well, not exactly. Obi-Wan was reading, but she was in charge of the physical page-turns. She reached over and gently turned a page. 

"Find anything, Master?" Anakin asked hopefully.

"I'm trying," he replied, frowning at the book. 

"Obi-Wan knows a decent amount about this Force-ghost thing," Anakin said, plopping down beside Rey as R2 did the last touches on the comm device. "Guess he got bored looking at that forsaken sand and felt like studying."

"My master trained me from beyond," Obi-Wan said simply. "It was a long process, but I had time."

"How did you?" Rey asked, looking back to Anakin, who had a hand on the back of his head, looking sheepish. 

"I didn't," he admitted. "I...don't really know how to explain it. Obi-Wan basically reached out for me and I just held on until I'd stabilized."

"We were close when we were younger. I'd never really accepted he was gone, so when I felt his death, I reached out through the old training bond we had," Obi-Wan explained. "Page turn, please."

Rey did, but something he said was sticking in her mind, something…

"Call your friends, Rey," Obi-Wan added, not looking up from the book.

"He gets like this," Anakin mock whispered, and Rey forced herself to smile, leaning heavily on her staff as she forced herself up and over to the comm.

R2-D2 chirped as he plugged into the machine, tuning the signal until--

"Rey!" 

She hadn't realized until that moment how much she had missed Poe Dameron.

"Hey," she smiled, waving at the hologram. "Where's Finn?"

"He's coming--FINN," Poe yelled. "IT'S REY!"

She heard a scuffle and commotion and then Finn appeared next to Poe. She almost reached out for their projections before stopping herself. She couldn't hug them anymore than she could hug any of the ghosts here.

"I've missed you," she said, surprised at the crack in her voice and hoping they wouldn't notice.

"Have you been eating properly?" Finn asked, crossing his arms. "Taking the vitamins I packed you?"

She'd eaten a protein bar at some point, she thought. Maybe. Maybe she should eat another one. She certainly wasn't about to admit that in front of her boys.

"Of course," she smiled, and the immediate frowns on both their faces immediately told her the deception had failed. "I'm going to, at least."

"How have you been?" Finn said, the simple question loaded with weight more than Rey felt like she could bear. 

"I'm still here," she said. It was a common expression back on Jakku, but it fit the situation here perfectly. 

Should she explain that she was hanging out with a squad of Force ghosts all somewhat connected to the man who had saved her life who everyone else still thought a monster? No. That didn't feel like a good idea. That was a conversation that she needed to have in person with them, if she ever decided to have it at all.

"The island's inhabitants have been helping me look through the old books," she said. It wasn't a lie, but she knew the boys would immediately go to the caretakers she had told them about after her first stint on Ahch-To. "We've got some ideas for research but we're definitely still looking."

"How many spells have you had?" Finn asked. The comm didn't do justice to the deep timbre of his voice and Force, how she missed them. Just another wound to add to the gaping maw within her. 

"Two, maybe," she replied. She wasn't sure if her restless sleep had anything to do with it or not.

"Do the caretakers have any idea what's wrong? Or how severe it is?" Poe asked.

"No," Rey shook her head. The caretakers didn't. That was all the ghosts of Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi, war heroes a whole generation removed from her. "But we're still looking. I'll keep checking in, okay?"

"You'd better," they both said, then looked at each other, surprised, and Rey giggled for the first time in...it had definitely been awhile. 

"Love you guys," Rey said, reaching for the holo of them. If they were surprised, they didn't show it, but she wasn't often so vocal about her feelings. Love for her was more easily expressed through action--fixing a droid, doing a friend's chores, passing a lightsaber through a Force bond. 

"Love you too," Poe replied, Finn echoing him, his eyes somehow piercing her all the way across the galaxy through a holocall.

He knew. She knew he knew. 

The call clicked off, and Rey staggered back to her spot by the books, one hand on R2 for support as he rolled beside her. 

Anakin and Obi-Wan exchanged looks that she didn't miss.

"May we?" Anakin asked, holding out a hand as Obi-Wan did the same.

"Can't hurt," Rey said, closing her eyes. 

Anakin felt the same as he did before, but the addition of Obi-Wan was new. Where Anakin was sunbeams and a rush of warmth, Obi-Wan was more like a cooling salve on a burn, or a cold drink on a hot day. Refreshing. Calming. This reminded her of the one time that Rose had done her hair, trying to figure out how much hair Rey had tucked into her bun-stack. There had been something extremely comforting about Rose brushing Rey's hair for her, and this--the two Force signatures gently checking over her--this felt close. 

She opened her eyes when she felt them draw back. Obi-Wan looked pensive, deep in thought. Anakin, on the other hand, just looked at her the same way she had seen medics waiting for soldiers to die, that infinite patience and willingness to be with them at that moment of departure.

"That bad?" Rey asked.

"It's not good," Anakin shrugged, but the nonchalance was ruined by the way he kept glancing at Obi-Wan when she wasn't looking.

"What were you saying before I made my call? About how you managed to get Anakin to this point without him having any training?"

"In our time, the process of training a Jedi took years," Obi-Wan said, looking over to Anakin, who had tucked his hands inside his sleeves. "I took Anakin as my learner when he was nine. The long and short of it is we spent years working together--as master and apprentice, as generals in the war, as brothers and friends. That sort of prolonged relationship usually ends up creating a deep bond in the force between the two."

"Right," Rey said, an idea slowly forming in her head. "I'd...like to rest for a minute, if that's okay. R2 can turn your pages--gently," she added quickly, and the droid beeped in agreement. 

"That's fine," Anakin said. "We'll find you if we come across anything."

Rey nodded, using her staff to stand up as she walked slowly back to her hut. Maybe...maybe this would work.

#####

Of course, she was delayed by passing out in the doorway of her hut. Fortunately, the ghosts weren't as attentive as her friends and R2 had been, so she at least was able to drag her way over to the bed without anyone fretting. 

As she'd told the Jedi, she did lay down. Ahch-To wasn't particularly cold, but she was freezing for some reason today, as if she were submerged in the uncomfortably cold waters along the shores. There were a few threadbare blankets folded up at the foot of the bed and she grabbed them all. Maybe Poe and Finn had packed her an extra blanket?

She unzipped the duffel bag. The top layer was neatly-packed rations and water cartons--clearly Finn's work. She took them out and arranged them on one of the stone shelves. Underneath were her clothes, thrown a little messily in there. She pulled them out and quickly folded them, just enough to make them look a little better--

Underneath all of it was the black sweater she'd taken from Exegol, the only tangible remnant of Ben sacrificing his life to save hers. She'd washed it and put it in with her clothes, unable to just leave it, leave Ben in the past like he never mattered--

She pulled it on--it was more like a tunic on her, the sleeves way past her hands--and wrapped the blankets around her, shakily walking back to the bed. 

If Obi-Wan had been able to help Anakin retain himself in the Living Force using nothing but a Force bond they hadn't used in years, then surely she could reach Ben through this dyad bond thing, given that they had been actively using it just weeks ago.

She closed her eyes and opened her mind.

Around her, Ahch-To hummed with life. Anakin and Obi-Wan were still bright shining spots where she'd left them. Luke and Leia were...elsewhere, but she could still feel them, like soft starlight from forever away, still shining. 

Inside of her was the exact opposite of their light. A vortex, a maelstrom of nothing. 

Anakin had felt Ben on the other side of that wound.

Obi-Wan had held Anakin's consciousness together with nothing but compassion and an old Force bond.

This. This would be how she would save Ben Solo. Not by rushing off to some place or finding some artifact, but by diving within herself.

The void within her was terrifying, but not as terrifying as her own death or giving up on Ben.

Rey reached into that abyss.

It immediately felt like suffocating--where was the light, where was the Force--silence--oppressive silence and--

The brush of fingertips--

Was that--

And then she woke up.

Something wet was on her face, and she reached up to brush it away--

Her nose was bleeding.

Inconvenient, but whatever. She pinched her nose with one hand to keep from bleeding all over herself and reached for that void--

Again.

And again.

And again.

#####

Each time hurts little bit more, bends the sensation of reality a little further, but she's close, she can feel it. It's like there's some sort of barrier between them and she reaches for it, throws herself against it, the threads that weave together to make her her fraying, unraveling--

Searing pain erupts through her and she's vaguely aware of screaming in the physical world--

She feels rather than sees the presence of four people. Luke. Leia. Anakin. Obi-Wan.

They surround her like an embrace, pulling her from this dark realm of nothing back to her own reality, where she's shaking violently.

"What are you doing?!" Luke demanded. She'd never heard him sound this angry before. "You could have killed yourself!"

"He's in there, I can feel it," Rey said, coughing. Droplets of red flecked against her pale skin, and she tried not to think about it. "If I can just get past that barrier--"

"By throwing yourself at it?!" Luke frowned. 

"Rey, you don't have to do all this alone," Leia said, sitting beside her on the bed. She drew up the blankets further around her, shivering in spite of it all. "We want to help him too."

"I just...feel like we're running out of time," she whispered. The void within her was growing. 

And every time she brushed against Ben in that void, he felt fainter and fainter. 

She couldn't lose him again.

#####

"What scares me the most is your obsession with this to the point of being willing to hurt yourself," Anakin Skywalker said, looking none too happy. 

"He died for me," Rey responded, knowing she was being short with him--Ben's grandfather, this was all so strange--but feeling unable to help it. 

"You won't do any good dying for him," Anakin reminded her. "I just...don't want to see you fall to the dark side."

"Your endless fretting will be what turns me if anything," Rey muttered and Anakin snorted.

Obi-Wan, Luke, and Leia were nearby, looking through the old books. Luke was muttering something about someone he thought had set them on fire, and Rey had just come over to turn a page when Luke used the Force to do it, staring at Obi-Wan with an exasperated expression. 

"Go over it for us one more time, Rey," Leia rubbed her forehead like Rey had seen her do a thousand times when she was tired. "It feels like a void within you and Ben feels like he's on the other side of some barrier?"

"Like he's not in your world, but not mine either," Rey affirmed. "Anakin says that he's only felt that way about his old padawan."

"I noticed the same," Obi-Wan agreed. He was in old man form today and Anakin was pointedly not looking at him. "I tried reaching out to Ahsoka as well after my death but she was...well, like Anakin said. Not here and not there."

"Ahsoka?" Leia blinked. "Like...Fulcrum-Ahsoka?"

"Not the same one," Anakin shook his head. "Her name was Ahsoka Tano and let me tell you, you'd remember if you met her--"

"A Togruta," Leia looked up at Anakin, who looked surprised. He'd mentioned that first day that Leia had never forgiven him, and she'd never seen the two of them directly interact before. Rey hoped that maybe these were the first steps to reconciliation. 

"Yeah," Anakin nodded. "Mine was too. Maybe it was a common name," he said, clearly not trying to get his hopes up.

"Spunky. Older than me, maybe by like sixteen years or so. Fought with these bright white lightsabers even though she said she wasn't a Jedi," Leia went on.

"Yeah," Anakin said, his voice hoarse. "That's my padawan. Was my padawan."

"She worked for us in the early days of the Rebellion, back when we were just scattered pockets of rebels," Leia said slowly. "I think it was General Syndulla who told stories about her."

"General Syndulla? The Twi'lek with the cute kid?" Luke frowned, deep in thought, and Leia nodded in confirmation. "Remember, after Endor, when we were all celebrating and she found out I was a Jedi?"

"Her partner was one too, before he passed away," Leia nodded.

"Yeah, but remember that crazy story she told? I was talking about Yoda on Dagobah--I swear there was something in the punch that night, it was kind of wild--"

"It was Corellian ale. In bottles," Leia blinked. "That were clearly labeled--"

"Our father is right there, Leia," Luke hissed, and Anakin looked to Obi-Wan in disbelief, whose shoulders were shaking in silent laughter. "Anyway," he continued, bringing his voice back to a normal volume. "She was like, 'Oh, you think Dagobah is crazy? Let me tell you about this time my partner's padawan opened up this temple, traveled to the World Between Worlds, wherever that was, and pulling Ahsoka out of time to save her life.' It was bizarre, let me tell you--"

Something in what he said itched in Rey's mind, like a tickling she couldn't reach to scratch. What was it…

"Right, but that's probably a bunch of nonsense; we all were celebrating a little too hard that night," Leia said kindly.

"No, it is true," Anakin whispered, looking shocked. "She was dueling Vader--me. She'd swore she wouldn't let me down," he said, his voice thick with emotion. "She wouldn't leave this time." Obi-Wan moved behind him, resting a hand on his shoulder. "And then while we were dueling, it was like--like a tear in reality, and this kid shows up and pulls her in and then she was just...gone. Just like that."

"To the World Between Worlds," Luke echoed, sounding a little less skeptical this time. 

"Have you ever heard of it, Obi-Wan?" Leia asked.

"No," Obi-Wan shook his head. "Maybe we could summon Yoda, he might--"

And then, all at once, like when a name forgotten suddenly comes to mind--there it was.

"I know what it is," Rey whispered. Her ghosts, her friends all turned to face her. "It's in the old tomes."

"Which one?" Leia asked.

"I don't remember," she coughed and sat back down before she could pass out again, focusing on breathing, staying conscious. "But I'm not stopping until we find it."

Ben. I'm going to figure this out. Just hang on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for all the love so far. You all make me want to keep writing.
> 
> Onward and upward! May your holidays also be filled with updating fanfics from the bathroom where you're avoiding everyone 😂


	4. Chapter 4 - Friction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "It is the friction that lights the match  
> Desperate attempts that make it last  
> So hold my breath for as long as I can  
> Before long, the wind swells in  
> Starting a fight I could never win  
> But I'll hold on as long as I can."  
> \--"Smell" by Sleeping at Last

He exists within a sea of voices, sometimes floating, sometimes drowning. 

When he hears her voice, it feels more like floating along a current that is pulling him home. That same pull to the light, amplified by her repeats itself here, only now, the only destination is home.

More often, it is not her voice he hears, but a mixture of ones from his past. Snoke, Vader, himself--is it all still Palpatine? Can Palpatine still reach him here? Is any of this even real?

You will be here forever, Kylo Ren.

He reminds himself that this is not his name anymore, this isn't real--

She will not come back for you. And if she does, she will take you to the Resistance and execute you for the war criminal you are.

Unbidden images fill his mind--Starkiller Base, villages, innocents, his own father, so many people--

There is nothing left of you worth saving.

He knows this to be true. 

And yet, despite this, another memory surfaces--her in his arms, her lips on his, his unstoppable smile--

And then, in denial of reality as he knows it, he hears her.

Ben. I'm going to figure this out. Just hang on.

He has no voice with which to speak, but every part of his essence in the force screams back at her.

Rey.

For a moment, he feels almost like himself again. As if his consciousness has definable edges, hands and feet and a heart.

He feels it most in the places they've healed each other. Here, she closed up the wound that would have killed him, told him she'd have went with Ben Solo any day. Here, where he'd given her his heart--

He was still completely encapsulated by the void, but for the first time he felt...a little more grounded to reality, tethered to her light. 

A safe place.

He tries to speak back to her--Rey, I'm here, I'm sorry\--but finds he still has no voice.

He focuses instead on maintaining this sense of self, waiting for the music that is her voice, the hope that is her light. 

In this sea and storm of memories, she is the anchor he clings to. 

#####

Ben.

He listens, holding himself together in the sea of the Force.

There were so many things I never told you.

You can still tell me, he tries to say, but still can't find his voice.

I wasn't ever going to give up on you, Ben. I knew the light was in you, maybe even more than it was in me. I would have followed you to the ends of the galaxy to prove that to you.

There's a warm feeling, like when his father was home to hug him, like when his uncle would compliment him on his lightsaber forms. 

Ben. Hold on.

She fades, gone again, but he holds on to the remnant of warmth left in her wake, the importance of him following that command. 

##### 

Through the fragments of the bond between them, the frayed threads that despite all odds somehow still hold to him, he feels her feelings, stronger where she's healed him. They course through him like the blood he'd have if he had a corporeal form. 

He feels her resolute determination. He feels her frustration. She's searching for something--maybe this place--and can't find it. 

Can she feel him, too? He tries to focus on his concern for her, the rush of adrenaline when she'd kissed him, the joy of admitting defeat when he'd tossed the weapon he used to kill his father into the ocean, never to be seen again.

If she can feel it, she doesn't give any indication.

He feels her more during the times when she loses consciousness, when she brushes dangerously close to this world.

He can't allow that to happen.

He feels along those frayed edges, the last of the bond holding them together. He's broken things far less delicate than these before. If he were to sever the bond between them completely, would it save her? Would it stop her from these spells where she ventures closer and closer to death with alarming and increasing frequency? 

He concentrates all of his energy where they meet, the tension and the friction, the threads taut--

It's electrifying. It's like he can physically feel her, her pounding heart and blazing headache, and the moment where she notices him blazes through him, hope and affection and--

Ben?

He tries to ignore her. He's done the wrong thing so many times in his life that just this once, he wants to do something right. And if severing this bond so he can pass into the cosmic Force will result in her living, then he'll make the right choice.

He tugs on it, testing its strength, and feels her pain rip through him, blazing, blinding, like a lightsaber against skin like lightning crackling no no no--

He lets go immediately. Severing the bond could kill both of them. Even if it doesn't, it would definitely hurt her.

He is done with hurting her.

#####

Time passes, or so he presumes. His only indication of time is marked by the sense of Rey drawing closer as she loses consciousness. He hopes that years are passing between each instance. He knows that's likely not the case. 

At times, he feels her despair heavier than others. None of his attempts to reach her, to console her, to try and heal that pain--none of them have worked.

But she's reached a new level of hopeless tonight. He'd already been brought closer to her by two nearly consecutive instances of her passing out, and now, the threads between them are nothing but pain.

For so long in his life, he's taken the passive route, done what others have told him to do, let those with more power direct his decisions, his life, his destiny.

No more. 

Ben Solo gathers up every bit of energy he has, every electric synapse tethering him to the Force and her, every tiny explosion of thought of consciousness of free will of agency of hope of love--

And he rushes to the veil between them, focused on nothing but her.

Rey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I love you all. Just in case I haven't said it recently. ♡♡ Thanks for all your support. I am inspiiiiiiired by all of it ♡♡♡


	5. Chapter 5 - Imbalance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "But I've fallen in love with a ghost  
> And I lost my balance when I needed it most  
> What if we already are  
> Who we've been dying to become  
> In certain light I can plainly see  
> A reflection of magnificence  
> Hidden in you  
> Maybe even in me."  
> \--"Four" by Sleeping at Last

A world away, Rey gasped for air. 

She'd gone outside with the books with the hope that the sunshine would make her feel better. She'd spent the better part of the last week searching through the tomes, scouring one painstaking page at a time to ensure she didn't miss anything. Sometimes, Luke joined her. Mostly, it was Anakin and Obi-Wan. She hadn't seen much of Leia but she could feel her Force presence as Leia searched for Ben.

And then she'd felt him. 

It wasn't like the times before, where she'd looked over her shoulder expecting to see him, where she'd quieted her mind hoping to hear his. This was deliberate. Intentional.

It felt like a thousand suns inside her exploding at once, a chain reaction in a vessel too fragile--

Obi-Wan and Anakin materialized in an instant, one at either side of her.

"Rey, what's going on?" Anakin's voice was low, quiet--an attempt to be comforting.

She opened her mouth but found she had no voice. Everything was light, everything except the void within her, the wound expanding.

And suddenly she could feel Anakin and Obi-Wan stronger than ever, their light at the edges of the void as they slowly knit her back together.

Rey.

His voice.

She had thought she would never hear it again, certainly not spoken to her through the Force, bypassing her ears and going straight to her heart, her soul, the very core and essence of what made her her. 

She'd forgotten what it felt like to feel him, unfiltered, the electricity between them, racing heart and flushed cheeks, remnants of hands touching, lips meeting--

It faded, leaving remnants of his presence lighting up her nervous system, coursing through her blood.

"Rey?" 

Anakin's voice was more insistent this time, and Rey shook her head, trying to clear her mind.

"I felt him," she whispered. She didn't have the energy to raise her voice higher than that.

"We all did," Obi-Wan agreed quietly. He had a ghostly hand she couldn't feel on her shoulder, but she could still feel him through the Force, helping to hold her together.

Anakin stood up from where he had been crouching next to her and started pacing, restless as ever.

"Rey," Obi-Wan said, his voice kind. "I don't mean to alarm you, but we're...we're running out of time. The bond you share with Ben...it can't balance with you two in separate worlds. If we can't balance it--"

"I know," Rey said, closing her eyes. Saying it out loud only made it seem closer, more frighteningly real, and she wasn't ready for that. "I'm trying, I really am."

She reached for one of the books, flipping to a page she'd marked. It had felt so right, but she had no idea why.

"What's this?" Obi-Wan asked, kneeling next to her.

"I don't know," Rey bit her lip. "I…"

She didn't know how to say it, how to admit it, but they were running out of time and pride be damned, she wasn't going to get this close to lose Ben now.

"I can read some," she said quietly. "Enough to get by. But this part...it's too complicated." She felt the heat rising in her cheeks and refused to acknowledge it. "I don't know what it says."

"No need to be embarrassed," Anakin said, plopping back down on her other side. "Garbage desert planets aren't exactly good for providing education. Obi-Wan had to teach me to read better when I was a kid too."

"Let me see," Obi-Wan said, leaning closer to see the book. Rey leaned back, unsure of what would happen if she accidentally put an arm through one of the ghosts--would it just go through? Ugh, she didn't want to find out. 

"What have you made out so far?" Obi-Wan asked.

"Uh," she paused, squinting. Obi-Wan moved a little out of her way and she put her finger down. "Here. There's some planets listed here. And there, that part--it says something about a world between worlds. But from there it gets complicated."

"Indeed, it does," Obi-Wan agreed. "This is a complicated passage even for me," he said, furrowing his brow as he read. "Rey," he said, voice suddenly brighter. "This talks about interdimensional travel. This...this may be what we're looking for."

She had been afraid of this page being the one. There was one horrific reason she'd been drawn to the page to begin with.

She'd learned to read and write that word after making her after-action reports with Finn.

Exegol.

She had hoped it would be irrelevant, that she wouldn't have to go back, but of course she would. Of course Exegol was involved. 

"I think it's a list of potential places that you can access this interdimensional space," Obi-Wan paused. "Someone call Luke and Leia. They'll have more recent knowledge of planets."

Rey closed her eyes, reached out for them.

Be with me.

They materialized in an instant, Leia's eyes shining.

"You found him?" She asked immediately, then paused. "He...was here, wasn't he?"

"I felt him for a moment," Rey confirmed, not really feeling like explaining the part where that one momentary connection had felt like galaxies were being born within her--both magnificent and truly terrifying. 

"An incomplete list of planets that have doors," Obi-Wan said, turning the book to show to Luke. In his excitement, he hadn't switched back to his old form, but Luke looked more amused than distressed. "Places we can access the place that is but isn't."

Anakin was staring over Obi-Wan's shoulder at this point, trying to read upside-down as Obi-Wan held the book out to Luke and Leia.

"Lothal?" Luke suggested. 

"Unlikely," Leia shook her head. "General Syndulla's team destroyed a temple early on in the rebellion there. It was probably the same, given her earlier stories."

"Huh. Ahch-To is listed," Luke blinked. "Either it's a mistake or it's outdated. I never found anything like that here."

In Rey's heart, a heaviness settled. She already knew what the answer would be.

"I've never heard of some of these planets," Luke frowned.

"Alderaan," Leia whispered and Luke put his arm around her shoulder. Anakin looked sick.

"Exegol?" Obi-Wan frowned. "I feel like my master mentioned that once, forever ago."

"It's the planet where it all happened," Rey said dully, and all the ghosts turned to her. Of them all, Leia looked the most grim. "Where you all spoke to me for the first time."

"You were surrounded by darkness," Anakin bit his lip. "I'm surprised our voices even reached you."

"It's where I lost him," Rey closed her eyes. "Where I died...and he died to bring me back."

"Where you'll go to bring him back," Anakin said, a hand on her shoulder, and she almost leaned into his ghostly touch before remembering it was physically impossible. She met his eyes and knew the implicit meaning he'd left unstated.

She had no choice. It was either go to Exegol or die. 

"I'll get the x-wing ready," Rey said, but this time it was Leia who shook her head.

"There's no need to go alone. Call your friends," she said gently. 

"I don't want to drag them into it--"

"Then how are both you and Ben going to fit in that x-wing when you save him?" Luke arched an eyebrow.

She would have liked to linger on imagining their specifics of that possibility if the stakes hadn't been so high, the circumstances so dire. 

"Call Poe and Finn. Call the Falcon," Leia said. It was her General Organa voice and there was no arguing. 

"Okay," Rey said, packing all the books back into her bag and slowly standing up.

The trek back to the x-wing and R2 to use the long-range comms was exhausting. Rey suspected the only reason she was still standing was because the four ghosts flanking her were continually mending the edges where she was slowly unravelling. 

R2 took one look at Rey, gave a worried trill, and immediately started booting up the comm system.

For a horrific few minutes, Rey worried that no one would answer.

Finally, the holo took shape, and Finn was at the other end.

Would she ever not be relieved to see him?

"Rey," Finn said, looking horrified. How bad did she look? "What's--what's--"

"I need your help," she said, trying to project as much false strength into her voice as possible. "On the Falcon. I have to go back to Exegol," she said, her voice unexpectedly cracking.

"We're on the way," Finn said. "Just hang in there, okay? I'll get everyone and we'll leave right now."

"Okay," she smiled. "I'll be waiting."

"You better," Finn said. "Rey? Rey?"

Even the support of the ghosts wasn't enough, and Rey slipped back into familiar darkness. 

Ben. I'm coming. I'm almost there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year, friends. :) May 2020 be better than this last decade 😂


	6. Chapter 6 - Persistence of Memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "The years wore on and changed my heart,  
> The leading role for a smaller part."  
> \--"East" by Sleeping at Last

What was the exact moment he had decided that becoming the Supreme Leader of the First Order had been an empty victory that hadn't fulfilled the dreams he didn't even know he had?

It had been before he had thrown the lightsaber away, before he had somehow inexplicably seen his father again in those painful moments of indecision. That moment had been the crux of it, the culmination of something that had been slowly fracturing since...when?

Floating in space and time, there was nothing to do but reflect. Was there a particular moment that had started the initial crack in his armor?

Maybe it had been even before he'd claimed the mantle as his own. Rey, at his back, fighting with him. The rush of adrenaline--finally, an equal--but also of...comfort. She had his back, quite literally in that moment.

There was no one in the First Order he had that sort of safety around. 

That had been the beginning of his fall, hadn't it? Whispers in the dark, preying on his fears and insecurities, on the horrific overwhelming feeling of being alone, only to feel abandoned by everyone who claimed to love him, the hiss of a lightsaber in the middle of the night.

There had been no safety since that night. Everything was fight or flight. Fighting felt better, gave him control. 

Flight--the fear--that had taken him into darkness.

With her, for the first time, that fear had been assuaged. He'd told her his story. Unlike most of the people in his life, she'd listened. And then she'd reached out for him, across space and time through that bond, and when that failed, she'd shown up in person. 

Had that been the start of it? Seeing her, there, walking alone into danger for him?

There had been a sense of primal victory in claiming the mantle of supreme leader for himself. There was no denying that, not even now. He'd envisioned a future of them ruling together, never expecting her to hold so closely to the light. It had been the easy option that he had wanted--the power, the girl, all of it. 

But during his tenure as supreme leader, that triumph had...faded. The logistical burden of running the First Order could be delegated, sure, but every power relinquished was more power given to Hux. 

So he'd reforged the mask. The man he'd been in that moment where she'd reached for him, when she'd fought alongside him, the Force singing in the bond between them--that man was gone. He could not be Ben Solo for her, not when he had to be Supreme Leader Kylo Ren. She'd closed that door on him, and he had to accept that loss.

Except that door hadn't stayed closed.

Maybe that had been part of it, the draw of the light.

She'd flit in and out of his periphery, both of them blatantly ignoring each other. But it kept happening, mostly at the most inconvenient of times--she always seemed to be around someone, and he as well, so nothing more than quick eye contact was exchanged. 

She'd been the one to break the silence.

She'd always been the one to speak first, to reach for him--

"Ben."

He'd refused to answer to that name. Alone, finally a moment alone, and he could have. He should have.

But he didn't.

The next time she appeared, he'd been in his quarters. She'd looked a little bleary-eyed herself and he wondered if they had each ended up in a place where their night cycles were synched.

This time, he spoke first.

"Rey."

She looked up at him, but there was none of the sharpness he'd received from her lately.

He'd swallowed awkwardly, mouth dry, suddenly unsure of what to say.

Too quickly the moment faded, and he was left alone.

Again, they blinked in and out of each others lives. He had no idea what Rey was fighting, but she appeared with the lightsaber--she'd fixed it somehow, of course she had, what couldn't she fix but he himself?--more often than not.

She'd float just out of his reach when he'd be in strategy meetings, trying to find the remainder of the Resistance, to wipe them out once and for all. It was almost a taunt. Sure, Ben, come find me.

How he tried.

And then one time, the bond had opened as he was attempting to sleep. Insomnia had plagued him for nearly all his life. Horrific nightmares as a child, voices in his adolescence, his own memories as an adult. Tonight was no different. 

And then he had rolled onto his back, trying to get comfortable, and there she was, sitting on the edge of his bed. 

He'd jumped a little more than the Supreme Leader of the First Order and first of the Knights of Ren should, but at least he was alone in his quarters. There was no one to witness the slip in character, this crack in his armor.

From the slight jump she gave, it was apparent that she hadn't expected this either. She'd been in the process of taking down the first of her buns, but she twisted it back up the second she saw him. 

He went to stand up, to move, to do anything that made sense if his brain would just start working again, but she held out a hand to stop him.

"It's fine," she said. "You were probably here first."

He hadn't expected her to say anything, much less start a conversation. 

"I don't mind--" he started, then coughed, a little embarrassed of how his voice sounded so close to sleep, but then she smiled, and he would have talked forever to keep that smile on her face.

Maybe that was the moment he should have realized he was lost for good, no turning back.

A few awkward moments passed, but amicable if somewhat hesitant silence was more comforting than the day he'd had so far. Screaming matches with Hux, more conniving nonsense amongst the higher-ups, perpetually watching over his shoulder, just waiting for the inevitable backstab. 

So long ago, Snoke--no, Palpatine, it had always been the former emperor--had appealed to the pervading sense of loneliness that felt like it was eating away at his soul.

But what had he received from any of this? An entire order of people who would have let him die in a heartbeat. An order of "knights" who were only loyal to him for his strength. 

He might have been surrounded by people, but he was more alone than he had ever been.

Except for her, perched on the edge of his bed, watching him--not in the hawkish way Hux watched him, waiting for the slightest mistake, but just in interest.

"This has lasted kind of longer than usual," he finally said, more because he wanted to hear her voice than out of any actual concern for the length of the connection.

"Mm-hmm," she agreed. She was definitely still staring at him and he couldn't ignore the impish little grin on her face.

"What?" he frowned over at her.

"I just...I guess I shouldn't be surprised that your pajamas are all black too," she grinned that wicked grin and he felt every blood cell in his body rush to his face at once. He yanked the blanket up over him, glaring over at her. 

He was the Supreme Leader of the First Order, and she was criticizing his pajamas. 

This was shaping up to be the most bizarre night of his life. Not that his nights were particularly exciting. Not that he needed to think about that right now, why was he thinking of that right now--

Especially since she was stretching out next to him, laying down. Of course he couldn't feel the movement--she was still in her reality. This was just a tangential moment, this strange connection.

He kept staring up at the ceiling, expecting the connection to dissolve at any point. He could feel the warmth of her, her hand close enough to his that if he just reached out like she had that one day, this time with no Luke to ruin everything again--would he be able to touch her? Did the bond work that way? He'd been dying to test it out to see but hadn't quite imagined it in this scenario--

His heart was beating loudly enough that he was sure she could hear it across the galaxy, wherever that was, or maybe just through the bond next to him, close enough he could hear her peaceful breathing, almost as if she were meditating, nothing like his own nerves--

You are the Supreme Leader of the First Order, part of him argued. Why was he hesitating?

But the part of him who respected her, who had been raised to treat others with respect, who saw her as an equal in every aspect--that part of him craved her permission, knew that the victory of touching her--if it was even possible--would come from her consent and nothing less.

He glanced over at her only to realize she was looking at him too.

"Let's just try it," Rey said, a tiny smile at her lips, and everything inside of him lurched at once as if the ship had been hit with a missile because what exactly were they trying again-- "I know we're both wondering," she said, turning over on her side so she was facing him, and he did the same, hesitating.

It was like the tension in the hut again, but this time there would be no Luke to interrupt and here, side by side in night cycles in bed, this seemed so much more intimate and it wasn't lost on him how much he craved this, her. What if it didn't work?

What if it did?

"On three," she whispered, and he nodded. "One."

"Two," he said, hoarse and he wasn't entirely sure it was just sleepiness. 

She breathed. He breathed. Together.

"Three," they said together--

Connection.

It was electrifying, intoxicating, it was possible and if the contact of them fighting together had been been exciting, then this was exhilarating. This, this was how galaxies were born and suddenly the distance of the universe between them was negligible, her hand tiny in his, and he never wanted to let go, could have stayed in this moment indefinitely, suspended from reality in a world with only her--

"Huh. It works," Rey grinned, looking at their hands, and then her eyes met his--

And then she was gone and with her, every good thing in his life.

So maybe he had been dreaming of leaving long before Endor. A crisis of indecision forced to a breaking point when she'd told him she would have gone with him. Not Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader, but him, Ben Solo.

There had been a moment of war, his father's memory behind him. To leave would be to turn his back on everything he had spent years working for. He'd achieved it, the pinnacle of success, the highest position--

And then he threw it into the ocean. 

What was the point of a lead role in the First Order without her, without the family he had abandoned, a life lost to loneliness?

Whether the galaxy remembered his name was irrelevant. All he wanted was for her to say his name.

He clung to that in the darkest moments of this between, the moments where they were still drawn together with only the veil separating them, when he would hear her whisper his name like a prayer, Ben, and, if he had a voice, he would sing her name like a hymn, something holy.

The longer he spent in the void, the harder it became to stay close to the edge of the veil, to her. 

So he lived in memories, what few he had, the ones that mattered. Uncle Lando giving him his first blaster. Uncle Chewie scooping him up still long after he'd grown enough that no one else could. Golden dice twinkling from behind his father's pilot chair, his mother telling stories of her childhood on Alderaan, how he was her prince, heir to a lost planet--and her, always her, her face as she healed him, told him she would have went with Ben, the closest anyone outside of his family had come to telling him they loved him, the first person in a long time--

If he lost himself in this void, she would be lost.

That was an option he refused to acknowledge the possibility of. No. He'd let her down enough. 

Not this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this went way off my outline and ended up much longer than I'd planned.
> 
> Hope y'all are okay with that ^_^"


	7. Chapter 7 - Within Darkness, Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "There is goodness in the heart  
> Of every broken man  
> Who comes right up to the edge  
> Of losing everything he has."  
> \--"Mars" by Sleeping at Last

In a detached, cold sort of way, Rey finally admitted that she was certainly dying more than she was living.

The few days spent waiting on the arrival of the Falcon were spent mostly in bed, tended to spiritually by her coterie of ghosts and physically by R2. A few times, she felt like she could hear Ben, but far off, as if he were talking quietly in a room far away.

And as the Skywalker family and Kenobi watched over her, she wondered how long it would be before she joined them. If she even could join them. If she didn't end up lost, like Ben--

How would she explain to her friends why she needed to go to Exegol? And, if this plan worked and she was able to save him, how was she going to explain to her friends--this? They would likely be fine with the fact there was a Force bond between them, that both of them had to be alive to live. They would assume it was something that happened against her will, either by nature or dark side machinations. They would assume that she, too, would hate to be tethered to the deceased supreme leader of the first order. 

But would they understand the rush of emotion that came with the intimacy of knowing another's heart, mind, and soul through the Force? How could she explain that satisfying snap of a puzzle piece that was their souls united together in light? How her heart had raced so many times after seeing him, how she'd kissed him the second she could? 

Where she saw Ben Solo, would they only see Kylo Ren?

How was she ever going to explain any of this to them?

#####

In between spells of consciousness, she dreams of a dark space, swirls of blue, and a far off light.

If she just stretches enough, holds her hand out a little more, opens her mind, follows that constant and persistent pull on her soul--

Maybe he will be waiting.

#####

"Rey? Rey!"

It took a second for her to register anyone was even speaking to her, much less shaking her, but she finally opened her eyes. Finn and Poe swam into focus above her, both watching her with nervous expressions.

"Rey, we have to get you to a hospital--" Finn was saying, and Rey lifted her hand to signal to him to stop.

Behind her boys, Chewbacca and Rose Tico stood, also trying to see her. She could hear C-3P0 saying something to R2-D2, and BB-8 was nervously twittering to D-0 somewhere in the room. She didn't see any of her ghost family.

"It isn't a physical wound," she said, trying not to feel alarmed at how hoarse her voice sounded, how much energy it suddenly required for her to speak. "It's a wound in the Force." She looked up at Finn, hoping he could feel it, understand. "I have to go to Exegol, like I told you. It's the only way to fix it."

"Are you sure?" Poe asked, looking over to Finn. "Maybe a second opinion--"

"Listen, this…" How could she explain the ghosts without sounding completely insane? "It's in the texts," she finally settled, gesturing at the book next to her bed. "It's my only hope. I...you don't have to come with me. I--"

"Of course we're going with you," Finn said, and Poe nodded. "Get the Falcon ready. Rey, can you walk?"

"Sure," she said, sitting up and feeling stars swimming in her vision. Finn took her hand and pulled her to her feet, and she immediately fell into him. "I'm sorry, I--"

A kind growl from behind Finn caused him to move, and gentle arms picked Rey up. She was too tired to even protest Chewie carrying her at this point.

"Grab the books," she heard Finn say to Rose before darkness overtook her.

#####

She awoke to gentle engine humming. Hyperspace. How long had she been out?

She was back in the bed she'd claimed as hers on the Falcon, back when she had been running Resistance missions with her friends to finish off the First Order, anything to keep her distracted from Exegol, from Ben--how long had she been getting sick, even then?

This had been the smallest sleeping area on the Falcon and the one that had felt most like home to her from the first time she had properly explored the ship. Someone had stuck glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling long before she had been on this ship, and she'd claimed the tiny space as hers.

Rose was sitting on the edge of the bed, glancing through the Jedi text, looking at the pages Rey had marked about the world between worlds. Rey slowly forced herself to sit up.

It...took more effort than she wanted to admit. 

"How bad is it?" Rose asked.

She hadn't been friends with Rose as long as she had with Finn, or even Poe, but there had been an easy camaraderie between them from the start. 

"I don't have much longer if this doesn't work," she admitted. "Don't tell--"

"Wouldn't dream of it," Rose shook her head, playing with the crescent necklace Rey had never seen her without. "What about Exegol is going to fix you?"

"It's…" Rey faltered.

Where did she start? By saying it was an interdimensional place where she would hopefully find Ben floating? An entirely new plane of reality? This barely made sense to her even after all her studying.

"It's a way to save Ben Solo," she finally said, voice barely above a whisper, afraid to look up at Rose. The silence was heavy in the air, crushing even.

"No wonder you didn't want to mention it to Poe and Finn," she finally said. Rey took the chance to look up at her, expecting to see disapproval but only seeing a pensive thoughtfulness instead. "I'm not questioning your judgement, Rey, but how exactly is rescuing Kylo Ren going to save your life?"

Her tone was kind, not accusatory--questioning, not condescending, and Rey had never felt so relieved.

Explaining the whole story, though, was going to take forever.

Unless…

"May I...show you?" she asked, tentatively holding out her hand to Rose, worried it would be too weird.

"Is this like Jedi stuff?" Rose's eyes lit up as Rey nodded, and she reached out and took Rey's hand in hers. "This is awesome."

Rey smiled at her enthusiasm and closed her eyes. The abyss within her swirled, threatening to destroy her, so she skirted the edges of it, reaching for that light within herself.

It was so much harder than it should have been, acknowledging that wound, showing it to Rose, but there was still that same joy in pulling up the swirl of memories--the bond, how it worked, a few of the more tender connections they'd shared, Ben's rejection of the dark side, him healing her--

"Holy shit, Rey, you died?" Rose gasped as Rey let the connection drop. It had felt good in that moment--a little less lonely--but was a pale imitation of what she knew she was capable of and what she and Ben could have accomplished together. "You never mentioned that!"

"It's...it's been really hard to talk about," she said simply. "There's been so much work to do, finishing off the First Order, and then I got sick and it just all kept falling apart. But yeah. I've got to save him to save myself. And even if I wasn't sick...I'd still want to do this." She closed her eyes. "I know he's done terrible things, Rose. I'm not excusing that. But there's a whole lot of goodness in him that was just...manipulated by the wrong people, I guess. I don't know how I'll ever convince anyone of that."

"Your approval is enough for me," Rose shrugged. "If we lose the hope that no one from the First Order can change, we write off a bunch of people. Jannah, Finn--I mean, sure, Kylo Ben--" Rey snickered at the name as Rose winked. "--might have been, uh, a teensy bit up on the roster, but still. If you say he's good, I trust you."

Rey reached over to squeeze her hand, but Rose went in for the hug, and suddenly Rey realized how much she had missed that, that contact, and she clung on her. Rose didn't say anything but just held her, rubbing small circles on her back as Rey buried her face in Rose's shoulder.

It was in this safety that she could finally admit it to herself.

Rey was terrified.

Terrified she'd mess up, terrified of dying, terrified of being unable to save Ben--of bringing her friends into danger--of facing Exegol again--

"You're okay," Rose was repeating, whispering into Rey's hair. "We're here. You're okay."

"Thank you," Rey whispered.

When she finally felt better, she pulled away, and Rose gazed at the star stickers on the ceiling as Rey wiped at her face. 

"You know," Rose said thoughtfully. "I do have one question about all--this."

"What's that?"

"Is Ben Solo actually that much of a cutie under that helmet, or was that just because I was seeing him through your memories?" Rose winked at Rey, who felt her face heating up.

"I don't--I mean--"

"And did that memory really end the second you came back to life?" Rose continued, and Rey knew--knew!-- she was preying on Rey's giveaway blush. "You didn't even tell that boy thank you?"

"Of course I did," Rey rolled her eyes, then paused, reflecting on that memory. She hadn't exactly said it, had she? Well, she'd definitely implied it, at least. "More or less," she smiled sheepishly, and Rose gasped dramatically.

"Rey. When you feel better, I am going to harass you for all the details on that one," she grinned.

"If I get better," Rey winced. There was still a huge chance of failure on this mission.

"When," Rose corrected, gently but firmly, resting a hand on Rey's shoulder. "Not if. When."

#####

Rey felt it the moment they exited hyperspace.

The planet was saturated so thoroughly in darkness that she could feel it even out of atmosphere, like a giant magnet, both repulsive and yet drawing her in at the same time.

Terrible things had happened on this planet, not just to her and Ben, but for eons. This place...this place was not good.

BB-8 twittered by her knees where she was sitting behind Poe. Rey ran a hand fondly over his dome.

"No coordinates in that book?" Poe asked hopefully.

"Of course not. That'd be too easy," Rose snorted from beside her. Finn had the co-pilot seat at the moment and all Rey wanted was to be in that seat herself, even if it wasn't practical in her condition.

"Then where to?" Poe asked. 

Rey looked at the map, remembering the one on Luke's x-wing. It had looked different--Luke's scanners had been never been replaced, unlike the Falcon's--but it also looked vaguely familiar.

"Here-ish," Rey pointed. "I'll guide you as we get closer."

The trip to the atmosphere was not quick. There was still so much debris from the battle, broken fighters and broken bodies and Rey closed her eyes, trying to feel past the sorrow of death still heavy in the air to their destination. 

Her directions to Poe were no more than vague murmurs of direction, but Poe followed each one exactly, landing outside the same structure she had entered. She'd expected to die then, too, but that had been an adrenaline-driven battle, a direct decision made from whole-hearted determination, not the end of a long, slow fight against her own body's betrayal. 

"Well, that's not ominous at all," Poe remarked, gesturing vaguely at the fortress, and Rey smiled a little. 

"Be sure to bring your weapons," she said, then bit her lip. "Maybe bring some extras too. Det tape, explosives. I have no idea how this'll go."

Chewbacca gave an affirmation, holding up a bag, and Rey took a deep breath.

"If you don't want to--"

"Can it, Rey, we're not leaving you," Poe rolled his eyes. "Let's go, team."

They disembarked from the Falcon--Rey, Finn, Poe, Rose, Chewie, BB-8, R2-D2, D-0. Going in with all of them eased some of her distress, but Rey couldn't ignore the way the darkness seemed to be expanding the abyss within her.

They needed to hurry. 

"Finn," she said, unclipping Luke's--Anakin's--old lightsaber from her belt and tossing it to him. He caught it easily. "Just in case."

He gave a curt nod and took point. Chewbacca kept close to her side, ready to catch her if she collapsed. 

One of them said something that Rey couldn't quite understand.

They kept repeating it and she frowned.

"What?" she asked.

"What what?" Poe blinked, turning back to look at her. "Everything okay?"

The whispers continued.

They were not from her friends.

"Do you not hear it?" she asked, looking from Poe to Rose to Chewie, all of whom were falling somewhere on a spectrum from confused to concerned.

Finn alone met her eyes. 

He heard it too.

"We need to hurry," was all Finn said and the group started on again.

She thought she heard whispers of her name in the stillness. Ben's. Or were they saying Ren? Maybe they were even saying her name--

"Don't listen to them," Finn muttered from ahead of her. Rey stumbled a little and Chewbacca caught her easily. Rose moved up next to her and Rey took her arm to steady her balance.

The whispers continued, incessant, maddening. Catches of half-understood phrases here and there--secrets a Jedi wouldn't know to stop even death, untapped potential and unlimited power, do what must be done, Rey\--

They seemed to be getting louder the closer they got to the center, the amphitheatre, the place where so many things in her life came together and fell apart within minutes of each other. Was it really here? It seemed too simple.

But...Ben had disappeared here. So maybe it did make sense that the door was right here.

"Shit," Poe said, staring around the room in horror. "What is this?"

"A nightmare," Rey closed her eyes. 

"And how exactly is this supposed to help you?" Poe blinked, looking to Finn, who was staring out into the stands, his mouth a thin line.

"There's…" Rey hesitated, but Rose smiled at her, encouraging. She was going to have to explain this if it was going to work. "A door to another place here."

"Ooookay," Poe said, looking around the space. "And it goes where?"

"To another dimension," Rey whispered, looking up at Finn, hoping he'd understand.

And this might have been way beyond what little Force training she'd given him, but the look in his eyes told her all she needed to know. He believed her.

The look on his face seemed to confirm it for Poe too.

"There's someone in there I need," Rey said, taking a shaky breath. "I have to--"

"It's good, Rey," Finn said, moving to her as her hands were shaking too. "Logistics later. Just give us what we need to save you."

She reached into her pack for the book, unable to clasp her hand around it. Everything here was pulling all of her to...elsewhere. Beyond. 

No.

Not yet.

Rose took the book out for her and opened it to the bookmarked page, helping Rey to sit down in front of it. The pages felt so delicate under her fingertips, as if they, like her, were barely holding on.

"So do we like...chant some magic words or something?" Poe shifted nervously from foot to foot.

Rey pointed down at the symbol on the page.

"This. It's close but...maybe finding it will help." 

"Spread out," Finn commanded and the group set to work. 

Rey tried to stand but fell again, barely catching herself with her hands. BB-8 gave a tiny whine, almost like a cry, and bumped up against her.

Her arms ached from the effort of holding herself up. Maybe she could catch a quick nap while her friends searched...maybe she'd hear Ben in her dreams…

The dirt felt strange on her cheek as she laid her head down. She stretched out her fingers for--what, she couldn't remember--and brushed them through the dirt.

There was something under it.

She couldn't bring herself to sit up, but she kept brushing until she got past the dirt.

A tile.

Symbols on it.

"The floor," she whispered, and BB-8 beeped loudly, commanding everyone to start checking the floor. Dust and dirt everywhere. Rey coughed. The blood was not part of the dirt. The world felt strangely far away. 

In the end, it was Finn who found it, a few tiles past Rey's outstretched fingers. 

"Rey, it's here," Finn said, kneeling down beside her and helping her to sit up. She leaned heavily against him, staring down at the tile. "What next?"

"We use the Force," Rey murmured. Her voice felt thick. Everything felt wrong. She closed her eyes, reached for the light within--

And found only the abyss.

"No," she whispered, searching again. Void. Again. Emptiness. "No. No."

"What is it?" Finn murmured next to her. She could feel his steady heartbeat...but only physically. She couldn't sense him through the Force.

No, no, no. 

"The wound. Do you feel it?" Rey looked at him, begging him to understand. He closed his eyes, but she couldn't tell if he felt it or not.

"Like the...hole inside of you?" Finn frowned and she nodded. "What does it mean?"

"I can't use the Force," she said, her voice breaking a little at the end. "We're too late."

A heavy silence hung in the air. Rose and Poe looked at each other, clearly trying to figure out if the situation really was as hopeless as it seemed. Chewbacca patted Finn's shoulder.

"I can, though," Finn said slowly. "You'll have to guide me, but I can do it."

Rey reached her arms around him. She wanted to hug him so tightly that he'd know how much he meant to her, how she'd do anything for him, how he was her family and now her salvation and her very best friend and how could she ever even come close to conveying any of that--

"I feel you," Finn murmured, just loud enough for only Rey to hear. He put an arm around her shoulders and squeezed. "Come on. We need to do this before you get any worse."

"Right," she nodded. Breathing was oddly difficult all of a sudden. Finn reached out and took her hand--so reminiscent of so long ago when they'd first met--and closed his eyes. She did the same.

He was all sunlight and warmth, a stark contrast to the freezing void within her. She could feel a ripple of his horror at feeling her, but he masked it quickly. She felt a surge of pride that she didn't hold back that he was improving so quickly. 

He reached out to her, and she clung to that small rope of light, afraid to reach for any more of him for fear of hurting him too. Through that connection, she could feel everything that made Finn Finn, light and love and care and concern. 

Through him, she could see. It wasn't the best--it was like the early stages of waking up, or being blinded by light after being in darkness--but it was enough to allow her to sense Exegol around her. So much darkness, despair, fear.

But in the middle of it all, a tiny anomaly.

She guided Finn's attention to it, this tiny oddity before them. It was neither light nor dark, but simply...there.

Waiting.

Finn reached out, and she felt it give just a little. 

There, Rey thought in the strange existence they were sharing.

Finn pressed against it, and Rey felt it shift a little more. Some strange mystery of the Force, another thing she didn't understand.

She had no idea what she was doing. She was horrifically unqualified for this--

And also out of time. 

She imagined that small spot opening, giving way, moving like the rocks she'd lifted so many times as Finn pushed against it. Dimly, she could feel his clasp on her hand tightening as her hands shook. 

No. Here. This moment. 

Rey envisioned a door, opening--She imagined the anomaly giving way like a ship jumping into hyperspace, bringing her closer to him--

And suddenly the world gave way beneath her, and she was screaming and Finn was screaming and--

And then they landed.

They clung to each other like two survivors after a shipwreck as Rey took in the world around her.

Darkness. Bits of blue. Was she on a platform? Did up and down exist in this place? Everywhere, the Force--if the Force had a pocket, she knew that right here in this bizarre pocket of unreality, she was within it.

"Rey?" Finn whispered. Sound seemed quieter here, less real, everything muted and muffled. 

But within her, for the first time, Rey almost felt alive again. Wounded or not...he was close, closer than he had been since she'd died and then he had reversed it and took her death as his own--

"He's here," she whispered. She reached out blindly with the Force--maybe here she would be close enough to use hers--maybe if she just powered through the abyss--

"Who?"

In a strange, distant way, Rey recognized that the voice speaking was not Finn's. 

Stars swam in her vision, the wound inside of her burning now like something physical--

And as she felt herself losing consciousness again, she caught only a glimpse of purple and white before everything faded to black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that took so long. OCD medicine isn't working as well as it used to, so the writing words thing is just one of the things in a set of dominos that fall when this happens. Hopefully y'all are still feeling some fix-it fic!


	8. Chapter 8 - Fragments

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "It’s a cruel cruel trick  
> How we find ourselves  
> When we lose everything else  
> Like a train wreck  
> The sound of your breathing hits my ears  
> The world reappears  
> And it breaks us new."  
> \--"Woodwork" by Sleeping at Last

Memories come slower and are much more fragmented now. He feels like there is an entire galaxy within him, like he is slowly fading into the cosmos. He certainly wouldn't become starlight--his soul was far too damaged, too twisted, too evil--but maybe he could still be part of that night sky. The darkness between the stars--the darkness that had to be there to make the light count.

A name floats just at the edge of his consciousness. Is it his? 

Something tugs at the remnants of his memory. A decision made, facing the light. Long shadows cast behind him. Alone. Alone. For a moment, hope, then...alone. Again. 

Faces float in and out. Dark hair. Kind eyes. It could be anybody, it could be everybody.

Part of him wants to let go, to relinquish that last little bit of control and disperse and finally be done with all of it.

He knows there is a reason he's holding on, but he can't remember why.

Starlight calls, a siren song in the night.

Oh, how he longs to answer that call.

There is a certain muted sense of existence here, like listening while underwater or looking through dirty lenses in a mask. He remembers a world of vibrancy, a sense of feeling the Force that held the universe together. 

That, like his name and memories, is gone.

Who is he waiting on? Why is he waiting?

Slowly, he imagines the threads holding him together.

Let go, the darkness whispers. A thread unravels.

Hold on, please, be with me--the light cries. 

And as he clings to that last thread, that last sense of fragmented identity--

He suddenly feels.

Light, hope, her.

It feels like being alive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're still here, just know that I appreciate you ♡


	9. Chapter 9 - The World Between

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "You remind me of who I could have been,  
> Had I been stronger and braver way back then.  
> A million choices, though little on their own,  
> Became the heirloom of the heaviness we’ve known."  
> \--"Heirloom" by Sleeping at Last

"Rey."

She hears her names in echoes, Finn's voice and a voice she's heard before, and somewhere in the reverberation, she feels him.

Rey sits up in an instant. Her head is still pounding, stars swimming in her vision, but she feels better than she has in quite some time. She can feel again, and when she reaches for the light inside of her--

She feels it. Surrounded by the wound, feeble and flickering, but it is there.

"Rey, are you--" Finn trails off, hesitant, and she finally looks up.

Finn puts a hand on her shoulder, her constant steady rock in all the chaos. Behind him, another being stands.

She is magnificent, Rey realizes in an instant. She hasn't seen an abundance of Togruta in her life, and she's certainly never seen one this old, one who wears her montrals like a crown and carries a staff like a queen's sceptre. The world around her is wrong in every way--strange, dark, solid black of emptiness with white lines. It feels less like reality and more like an endless storybook, no resolution in sight, but she is grace and light, a welcome contrast to this strange world. 

The Togruta reaches her hand down and Rey accepts her help, relying on her firm grip and Finn at her side to stay steady. Even then, she only manages a sitting position, and Finn kneels beside her. 

"Here," the Togruta says, and her voice is surprisingly gentle. "May I help?"

Rey nods, and the Togruta closes her eyes, bending over and holding her hand to Rey's heart.

"Oh," she blinks, straightening and taking a step back. "This...is unexpected."

"Is this who we came for, Rey?" Finn's asking, and even he seems distant to her. Rey knows this woman, somehow. Her voice...a memory dancing at the edge of her consciousness… 

When no one answers him, Finn turns instead to the Togruta.

"My friend Rey has an injury--in the Force, somehow. We don't know what to do--"

"Have you asked the Jedi?" she asks absently, her eyes still locked on Rey's.

"I'm the closest thing to a Jedi left. They're all dead," Rey says. It's hard to admit. "Just ghosts."

"Are you a Jedi?" Finn asks, shifting his weight from one foot to the other impatiently. Both he and Rey can see the lightsabers clipped at her belt.

"No," she says. "I was once," she amends, seeing Rey and Finn's disbelieving looks, "But that was a very long time ago. I had hoped…" She pauses, shakes her head. "That's irrelevant. What's wounded you, Rey?"

She hesitates. Finn is giving her such an encouraging look, all warmth against blankness of this in-between.

"Does the word dyad mean anything to you?" Rey asks, hesitant.

"Normally, it wouldn't. However...I'll confess that after feeling a major disturbance in the Force, I watched your story play out on Exegol," she says. 

"You spoke to me! At the end."

"I did," she smiles, and it is kindness and light. "So yes, I am familiar with your...unique situation," she says. There's a pause as she chooses her next words, but Rey doesn't find it uncomfortable. "So the wound was the result of the death of your other half?"

"I think so," Rey whispers. Beside her, Finn's confusion radiates in the Force, echoing in the stillness. 

The Togruta makes a humming sound, contemplating something.

"Your other half--Rey, what is this?" Finn whispers, but he's never exactly been good about being quiet, so Rey knows the Togruta hears his every word. The small smile at her lips confirms it. 

"I don't suppose we've made proper introductions," the Togruta says abruptly and kneels across from them, which Rey notices does a lot to immediately reduce her towering presence. She is still all poise and uncanny power, but she looks a little friendlier, more accessible. 

"I'm Rey," Rey says. The new last name she'll never wear tastes acidic in her mouth and she swallows it, refusing to say more.

"I'm Finn," Finn offers, but he's still watching Rey, trying to piece the puzzle together.

"I'm Ahsoka," the Togruta says, and Rey gives a tiny little gasp.

"You know each other?" Finn asks, but Ahsoka looks just as confused as he does.

"You're Anakin's former student!" Rey says, unable to stop from smiling. Even in the short time she was on Ahch-To with the man, he and Kenobi both had told her stories of the many mishaps of Ahsoka's training. Rey figured it was just to make her feel better about her own fragmented training. She had never thought she'd meet the woman in person. Stars, no wonder she looked so old.

"Who told you that?" Ahsoka asks, her face suddenly neutral and blank, and Rey wonders if she's said something wrong.

"Anakin," she says, her hand going for the man's lightsaber before remembering she gave it to Finn. "Well, his ghost, at least."

"Anakin Skywalker cannot exist as a Force spirit," Ahsoka says evenly. "It's impossible for someone lost to the dark side. Their remaining spirits are...not like the ghosts you would describe seeing so calmly, and Darth Vader certainly wouldn't be using that name."

There's something bitter in her voice, and it's the same shade of sadness that Rey feels in the Force when Anakin strays too close to talking about his days as a Sith 

"His son saved him before he died. He turned back to the light," Rey says, and Ahsoka looks up at her. "Kenobi helped him retain himself after his passing. I assure you, it was definitely Anakin I talked to."

"Master Kenobi too?" Ahsoka whispers, and suddenly she sounds much, much younger. Rey reaches out hesitantly towards her and when Ahsoka doesn't retreat, she takes her hand in hers, envisions her ghost-family together on Ahch-To, tries to share that image with the woman in front of her. 

"Both of them. And Luke and Leia," she adds, in case Ahsoka knows them too, but those names don't seem to impact her the same way the others do. "They were Anakin's kids."

"The presence that has been lingering in here since your wound began," Ahsoka starts, pauses. "Is he…?"

"Leia's son. Anakin's grandson," Rey confirms.

Beside her, Finn starts as if snapped out of a reverie.

"Rey, what's--"

"Just like Anakin," Rey forges on, trying to ignore the simmering rage forming in Finn that has nothing to do with her but everything to do with the reason she's here. "At the end, he turned back to the light."

"Rey, are you telling me we're in here to save Kylo Ren?" Finn frowns.

"No," Rey shakes her head. "Ben Solo." The scoffing noise Finn makes is impossible to ignore. "Finn, I--"

"Kylo Ren was a monster," Finn says, appealing to Ahsoka. "One who needs to stay dead. The galaxy is better off without him."

Ahsoka looks from Rey to Finn and Rey holds her breath.

"If this is true, Finn," she says gently, "then you must be ready to let Rey die." Finn makes a noise to protest, but Ahsoka holds up a hand to stop him. "Regardless of how you feel about him, he and Rey are bonded in the Force. One can't live while the other does not. Are you ready to let your friend go?" 

"Of course not," Finn replies, and there's pain in his voice. "But Rey--"

"You have to trust me, Finn," she whispers, taking his hand with her open one. "I promise I wouldn't do this if he was still dark." 

Finn closes his mouth and doesn't speak. Rey knows that its the closest she'll get to approval. 

"I feel him here," Rey says to Ahsoka. "How do I get to him?"

Ahsoka closes her eyes. Rey can feel her using the Force--it ripples and echoes, swirls around her like sand on Jakku. 

"What is left of Ben Solo here isn't salvageable," she says gently. "He's too far gone."

In a heartbeat, her hope is gone. Any dreams she has had--of seeing him again, of helping him, of a future where they learn from each other, of seeing where her feelings went, of seeing that smile, of living\--gone. Released like a breath she'd been holding, gone forever.

"However," Ahsoka says, putting her fingers under Rey's chin and forcing her to look up. "You are in a place of doors, Rey. Doors to...particular times and places."

"I don't get it," Rey says, her eyes burning from the intensity of holding back tears.

"Once," Ahsoka starts, her voice somehow heavy. "Once, I dueled Darth Vader. No escape. In some reality, I died. But a friend found this place," she says, gesturing to the strange between they exist in, "And found the door to that moment. He pulled me through..so I lived. The course of my destiny was forever altered."

"So...we can change time here." It comes to her slowly, but suddenly, she feels hope again, just a thread. 

"We can stop the First Order from ever taking over, stop the Emperor from ever being born," Finn says, looking shocked. "We can--"

"Only do small things," Ahsoka says firmly, no room for argument. "Changing everything is...very precarious. When Ezra pulled me through the door, nothing changed. I hadn't been around to impact the galaxy for those years. You need to do the same. Wherever you pull Ben out of, it needs to be a place where nothing really changes."

Rey recounts those last moments, fleeting happiness flooded with overwhelming grief. 

"Right before he died, then," Rey says, turning the timeline over in her head. "Just like you, he wouldn't have been present these years so nothing would change."

"If I recall correctly," Ahsoka says, crossing her arms, "right before he died, you were dead. It was his sacrifice that brought you back, yes?"

"Yeah," Rey frowned. "That would just kill me. Hm."

"What if we pulled you out before you died, and then--" Finn pauses, refusing to say his name. "He wouldn't die saving you."

"Then the Emperor lives," Rey shakes her head. "It was me pouring channeling all I had to finish him off. And who knows if on that timeline if anyone would defeat him. He was in Ben's head...I don't know if that would make it impossible for Ben to defeat him or not."

"Plus it would put Ben back alive on a timeline he should be absent from," Ahsoka added. There's a stretch of silence that neither Finn nor Rey dare to break. After a moment that feels like an entire lifetime, Ahsoka inhales slowly. "Unless we wait until after he dies and then grab him, right before his essence slipped into this place."

"Is Kylo Ren's dead body enough to save Rey?" Finn asks, and Rey flinches at the hopeful tone in his voice. There's trauma there far beyond her knowledge in the history of Finn and the First Order. She can't exactly fault him for this. 

"No. It'll take an extreme amount of power to heal him," Ahsoka says gently. "Power that Rey doesn't have in her current state, and power that Finn shouldn't have to give."

"Wait," Rey frowns. "What are you saying?"

"We'll open the portal as Ben dies," Ahsoka says, her voice all steel resolution. "Past-Rey lays him down. Finn, you'll need to stun Rey's past form so she doesn't suspect anything. Rey, you'll grab Ben's body--so he'll disappear just like he did in your timeline," Ahsoka pauses, contemplating. "More or less. We'll obviously not strip him of his clothes, but I doubt Rey knew then that physical objects are left in the material plane. She shouldn't suspect anything."

In that moment, Rey feels her heart sinking, knowing suddenly without a doubt where Ahsoka is going with this.

"Then, once we close the door, I'll use my life essence to revive him," she says, entirely too calmly for Rey's liking. 

"You're powerful enough for that?" Finn asks, looking impressed.

"Maybe in my youth. Certainly not now," Ahsoka shakes her head. "But my sacrifice should suffice to bring him back."

"I can't ask you to do that," Rey whispers. Even though she had thought she would do anything to save Ben, she finds that this--this is too much. Someone who doesn't even know Ben having to sacrifice themselves? This can't be the only way.

"I want to," Ahsoka says, and Finn shoots Rey a panicked look. "No, please," she says, biting her lip. "It's not like I have a death wish or anything but...I've been here, especially here," she says, indicating this strange pocket in space and time, "for plenty of time. My friends have nearly all passed on. I've lived a fulfilling life."

"But you could still--"

Ahsoka holds up a hand to stop Rey before her interruption can go any further.

"Rey. Finn," she says, looking to each of them in turn. The gravity of the situation weighs in the lines on her face, but yet she looks peaceful. Happy, even. "I've studied the Force for quite some time in here. I know how to retain my consciousness after my passing. I'm...ready to be united with my family," she says, a faraway look in her eyes, and Rey knows she doesn't mean other Togrutas but two Jedi masters who loved her as fathers, brothers, family. "I wasn't able to save Anakin. I told him I wouldn't abandon him, and then in no time on the timeline at all, Ezra pulled me out and I...didn't seek him again. If my final act is saving his grandson and going home, then I'll die complete," she smiles, and the peace exuding from her in the Force radiates through Rey and Finn both.

"You're sure?" Rey whispers.

"Positive," Ahsoka confirms. "I only ask that you finish the job I got too old to do. Find the other doors to this place. Destroy them," she says evenly, and while there's no malice in her voice, her tone leaves no room for argument. "Leave the one on Ahch-To if you wish, but destroy the others. This place is too dangerous to fall into the hands of someone without pure intentions, especially if I'm not in here to guard it."

"How will I find the other doors?" Rey asks. She will do this for the woman who is essentially sacrificing her life for both Ben and her, for Anakin and Obi-Wan's family. In another life, Ahsoka might have been an aunt to Luke and Leia, a great-aunt to Ben. Rey might have no family left of her own, but she'll do whatever it takes to defend this Skywalker family she's come to love. 

"Well, if Anakin's grandson inherited anything from him," Ahsoka grins, and suddenly the peaceful sage is gone, replaced by a troublemaking kid at heart, "I'm sure the two of you will figure it out."

"Thank you," Rey says, and the words are insufficient for everything she's feeling. She tries to convey it in the Force, the depth of gratitude--

Ahsoka pulls her gently in for a hug, holding her there for a moment before reaching over and yanking Finn in too.

"Now that that's done, let me go save a Skywalker's ass one last time," Ahsoka grins fiercely. "Let's go get your boy."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYS WE ARE SO CLOSE TO FLUFF I CAN ALMOST TASTE IT.


	10. Chapter 10 - Disperse into Light

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Though time is ruthless,  
> It showed us kindness in the end,  
> By slowing down enough,  
> A second chance to make amends."  
> \--"Mars" by Sleeping at Last

At the end of the line, his father returns to him one last time.

He is no longer sure of his name or purpose or whether any of this is real but in this moment, he is certain of his dad's love.

He wants to speak, but he has no voice. Crying feels like the last tiny bits of him burning away, like a meteor streaking towards a planet, impact inevitable--

But light and warmth surrounds him, one last hope as he cries in the void, he feels, him--

He has no mouth to speak so instead he cries out with his soul, every fiber of his being--

I'm sorry, Dad, I'm so sorry--

It's lightsaber wounds and blasterfire and burning hot tears, but despite that all, the light remains--

I know, I know, I know.

At this, the last, he and the ghosts of his memories can be together one final time--

But suddenly, in the maelstrom, the universe shifts.

Everything.

Is. 

Changing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last short chapter! Woop! 
> 
> Also this may end up being 15 instead of 13 chapters we shall see hope that's okay 😬


	11. Chapter 11 - Luminosity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I want to see  
> Your happily ever after,  
> That you know in your heart  
> that you matter,  
> That you are royalty."  
> \--"Daughter" by Sleeping at Last

Ahsoka leads them to a door, an unreadable expression on her face. Rey wonders if she's scared, or having second thoughts, but she keeps her montrals held high.

Next to Rey, Finn reaches over and laces his fingers through hers. She gives a reassuring squeeze that only feels weak.

"I'll open this to the moment we need," Ahsoka says. "Rey, you'll need to stun your past self in some fashion. If any of us do it, you'll feel it and suspect something. Finn, you'll need to help me pull Anakin's grandson back in here with us, and we'll shut the door and work quickly from there. Do you both understand?"

Finn nods and Rey takes a deep breath. 

"When this over," Ahsoka adds, staring at Rey. "You need to destroy this portal. Find as many as you can and either destroy them or guard them. This power can't fall into the hands of darkness. Do you understand?"

Rey thinks of the arena, the Emperor, clones and voices and the multitude of spirits--

"Yes," she whispers. "I'll do it, I promise."

Ahsoka looks her over, then nods, satisfied. 

The door opens to Exegol.

It is a strange moment in the Force, as Rey feels both her current trepidation and Ben's through the door. There she is, dead, in his arms, his sorrow reverberating through her. Ahsoka holds a hand to her heart, clearly sensing it too, and Finn's mouth is a firm, thin line.

She watches as Ben holds her so gently, the pain in his eyes more than she expected. He of course does not seem through the portal and won't until they cross, so he has no idea of the audience to his grief.

And then he begins to heal her, just like she had for him.

There's a pull in the Force in the Between.

"He'd have no way of knowing how close he was to a doorway," Ahsoka murmured. "I'm sure his getting pulled in here was far from intentional. Any other planet and this probably would have worked fine."

Rey watches her own eyes open, remembers the strange, blurry confusion that felt like waking up. From this vantage point, she watches Ben's eyes light up as if he is the one who just came back to life.

She knows what's coming next and makes a pointed effort not to look at Finn, unsure of what exactly the noise he made in response to Rey kissing Ben was but unable to stop herself from smiling a little smugly.

"Look alive," Ahsoka says, and Rey holds her breath, waiting.

Ben's smile somehow breaks her in half but eases the wound in her soul all at once.

The moment of confusion, his terror as his soul is pulled by the Between--

Rey holds out a hand and focuses on herself, prodding against her own mind, sending all of her memories of the first time this happened, planting them in herself in some sort of bizarre loop that she doesn't have time to think about--

Ahsoka and Finn both haul Ben through the portal and Ahsoka closes the door behind them, turning immediately to the unconscious Ben before them.

"Go back through the same door you entered," Ahsoka reminds them, taking a deep breath. "I'm sure we'll meet again. May the Force be with you," she says and lays her hands on Ben's chest.

And in this strange world of shadows and nothing, suddenly, Light prevails.

It surrounds Ahsoka, living and warm. Rey almost thinks she sees a bird for half of a moment in all of it before it overtakes her vision. It isn't blinding, isn't painful like the sun on Jakku. It's a pleasant warm, like blankets on a cool night or the embrace of a friend.

Rey catches glimpses of memories in the light that are not hers--You're reckless, little one. You never would have made it as Obi-Wan's padawan...but you just might make it as mine--red fading to white purified crystals--the luminosity that is Ahsoka's soul--

And then it fades, leaving a cloak, a staff, two lightsabers, and--

Ben takes a breath and the wound in Rey's spirit slowly begins to lighten around the edges.

"We need to get back," Finn says, touching Rey's arm gently. "Exegol is still a dangerous planet."

"Right," Rey says, gently shaking Ben. He seems completely unconscious, but there's nothing she can do to fix that here.

Finn looks over at Ahsoka's belongings.

"We should make a memorial for her," he says quietly, and Rey nods. Finn takes the staff, and Rey puts the lightsabers and folded cloak into a small satchel Ahsoka had been wearing, placing it over her shoulder.

With great effort and a little help from the Force, Rey and Finn manage to lift Ben a little, each at a shoulder, his legs dragging behind them.

"Nobody should be this tall," Finn huffs, and Rey giggles.

It's hope, she realizes. She's felt it before, of course, but this is the first time since...everything.

With her best friend, Rey helps to bring her other half back to the door that will lead to her family.

#####

The first thing Rey noticed as the portal closed behind them was Poe's confused and horrified face. He reached for his blaster and Rose reached for his arm--

But both were interrupted by a roar from Chewbacca, who pushed past him and ran for Ben. Rey nearly jumped between them but Chewie clearly had no intention of hurting him. Instead, he scooped Ben up into his arms like he had done it a thousand times before.

In a moment, it hit Rey that he probably had done it a million times before.

"What in the Force--" Poe said through gritted teeth, but Finn held up a hand. Later. Behind them, Rose offered the tiniest most devious grin Rey had ever seen as Chewbacca walked closer to her. 

"We need to blast this entire place," Rey said, focusing instead on Ben in Chewie's arms. "And then we need to go back Ahch-To."

She knew that there was no advanced medical facilities there, but she also knew, somehow, that Ahch-To had to be the next step. 

"I am 1000% fine with destroying the place," Poe nodded, watching warily as Chewie carried Ben up the way they'd come, back towards the Falcon. "But are you sure--"

"Yes," Finn and Rey said simultaneously, Rey's firm and Finn's a little resigned and exasperated.

"Then let's get off this planet," Poe sighed, heading back for the Falcon. Finn, Rose, and Rey followed, and Rey pointedly ignored the whispers that were turning to screams in her head--every fear she'd ever felt, every moment of rage and anger--and looked ahead, focused only on the Falcon. Home. Rose had moved beside her, that sense of solidarity between them emanating off of her, and Rey knew at least that Rose had her back in all this. They followed Poe up the ramp and Rose immediately followed Chewbacca to help with Ben. Finn was heading for the guns, but Rey stopped him.

She wanted--needed--to destroy this place.

Finn apparently understood and instead followed Poe to the cockpit. Rey headed for the guns. 

As soon as they were a safe distance from the ground, Rey opened fire.

The lasers weren't designed for this kind of siege, though, and she screamed in frustration as the strange, floating structure held steady. Within, the whispers rose to a gleeful cacophony--

No. This--anger, rage--this was their way. There had to be a better way.

She closed her mind, stilled her heart. She could feel her friends around the ship, Finn's shields and Poe's confusion, Rose concern at trying to wake Ben, Chewbacca's renewed hope--

Ben himself, a strange mixture of shadows and light, still a little lost, but on his way home. 

And herself. A wound slowly healing, power growing--

She knew she was probably still too weak for this, but she could still sense Ahsoka's embrace around Ben and knew what she had to do.

The whispers of ancient evils in her ears--there is no light here, only darkness\--

"Darkness exists to make the light brighter," Rey whispered, and reached.

And as it had been before, it was her and the strength of those who had come before her, those alongside of her, and those yet to come--

And Rey brought the temple down.

#####

Light returned slowly, fuzzy around the edges. 

"You know, we don't exactly have a medbay on this ship," Rose said, making a tsking sound from where she stood over Rey. 

She was back in her bed on the Falcon, the glowing stars dormant on the ceiling in the light. The soft hum of the hyperspace engine--

"You did it," Rose said, taking Rey's hand in hers. "Don't worry."

"Where's Ben?" she asked. Sitting up, even slowly, still hurt.

Within her, the wound still throbbed.

No, no, I saved him--

Chewie gave a soft trill that Rey knew as her name. He was sitting outside of her room, Ben still unconscious beside him as he stroked the boy's hair. Rey slowly stood up, taking Rose's arm to steady herself.

"Give him the bed," Rey said quietly, and Chewie lifted him as if he were still a child, gently depositing him where Rey had just been. 

Chewie's next question was clear--could Rey save him?

"I think so," Rey said, then turned to Rose. "Can  
...I have some time?" 

"We'll wait outside," Rose said, drawing Rey in for a hug. Chewie wrapped his arms around both of them. "Take as much time as you need."

And then they retreated, the door closing behind them, though Rey could feel their presences outside, waiting with her in solidarity. 

Ben seemed almost comically tall on the tiny bed wedged in the tiny room. Rey was pretty sure it was designed for a kid--even she had almost been too tall for it. 

She sat down beside Ben, watching the steady rise and fall of his chest. He looked at peace--Rey liked that look on him.

She'd like it better if he was awake.

Something here still needed to be finished, but she was ready to face it. The future, uncertain as it was, was no longer terrifying. 

Her belonging was truly in front of and around her. Right here--everything that mattered, right here. 

She brushed her fingers gently across the hair on his forehead and then leaned over him, holding a hand to his chest.

He had light in his darkness, but she had a little darkness in her light, didn't she?

She reached for that light that connected both of them and let the Force guide her.

Wake up, Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this is okay! ^^


	12. Chapter 12 - Astronomy in Reverse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I was a billion little pieces  
> 'til you pulled me into focus.  
> Astronomy in reverse,  
> It was me who was discovered."  
> \--"Venus" by Sleeping at Last

He's too late.

He knows it the second he sees her, a discarded flower dropped unceremoniously in the dirt of Exegol, feels it the second it happens and part of his soul feels like it's been torn in half and yet he still double-checks because this. Can't. Be. Happening.

He has lost everything already, so many good things destroyed in the wake of his mistakes--his father, mother, uncle, all dead, so many--he can't lose her too.

So it makes sense when he gathers her in his arms to try something that he only understands from being on the receiving end.

He reaches into the very fabric of the universe and finds her, drawing her back in, and this, this link, this dyad--brings them even closer and goosebumps rise on his arms despite his sweater because this--

This is unity like he's never felt before.

It is holy, it is light, it is all the love anyone has ever felt for him and all the love he can possibly give.

And against all odds, she wakes up, and she is alive, here, in his arms with the battle won, warm and breathing, brown eyes blinking, soul shining in the Force--

He has no idea how to explain to her what has happened, no idea how to convince her that if it was Ben she had wanted--

He was here. Forthwith and forever, here and hers.

And before he can come up with the words to say to try and convince her to give him just one more chance--

Her hands are on his face, her lips are on his, and it's only a fraction of a millisecond before he's responding, trying to pour everything, all of--this\--into their bond so she can understand--

There's a strange tugging sensation that he dismisses at the time, only realizes it in retrospect after the fact, because he can't stop the smile from forming because this--pure, light, happiness, hope--

And then the tug becomes undeniable.

Ben Solo is not dying. He knows this. He remembers what that feels like, a lightsaber straight through him, fading edges--

This is different, wrong.

He knows she senses it too from the immediate change to concern on her face, and it's like drowning, like being pulled under, and he tries to say her name--Rey--to beg for help--

And then there is an endless expanse of nothing, a tempestuous sea of memories, and time ceases. This strange place slowly claims him as its own, his memories and mind and self scattering apart into a thousand stars--

Until suddenly, it doesn't.

In a rush, the old is gone, and all is new.

#####

There was a strange sense of awareness as he was jostled from place to place, muted voices and muffled sounds, like being underwater.

Warmth and pain, signs of life.

He wanted to break through it all, to emerge from this chrysalis and complete his transformation, but he still felt trapped.

He faded in and out, and it felt like struggling to stay conscious, so many hazy memories of training with Snoke and that particular brand of pain--struggling to stay awake after failure, you're too weak--

And then, finally, he felt her. 

The Living Force was between them, the bond open, and she was prodding around--

Within her light, he could feel the Between, pulling into her Force signature, hurting her.

No. He was tired of her hurting.

He couldn't move his body, but with his soul he reached through the Force, to the threads of light that made Rey Rey.

He weaved them together, these luminous threads of starlight, braiding like he had watched his mother do to her own hair so many times, stitching her back together.

There.

And then he felt her, and the world became clearer.

It was like adjusting the settings on binoculars, pulling things into focus, only he was the subject and she was the artist, bringing his fragments back together, painting him new--

He opened his eyes of his own will.

She was above him, her hands on his heart, her eyes closed in concentration. He flexed his fingers--how strange, to feel, to have a physical sense of body and self again--and lifted his hand, laying it on top of hers. 

Her eyes opened at once and met his.

Flyaway hairs were escaping her buns, framing her face in kind of a strange halo. She looked paler than usual, dark circles under her eyes. He'd never seen her dressed in black outside of his visions--desires--as Kylo, but she was today, dwarfed in a messy sweater that he realized was an exact duplicate of his own. 

He had never thought her more beautiful then in that moment.

"Hey," he said, voice a little scratchy and hoarse from disuse. 

Above her, in the dim light, were the glow-in-the-dark stars on the ceiling of his childhood room on the Falcon, and between those and her radiance, he was home.

"Hey," she said, a sudden smile on her face and a tiny laugh in her voice. Her eyes were shining. He reached up to wipe away one of the tears, unable to stop the uncontrollable grin from forming.

She was here. He was with her. She was smiling. They were alive.

"He's--he's gone, right?" Ben asked suddenly, his hoarse voice hardly above a whisper, because nothing had ever come simple or easy--

"I reflected his lightning back on him," she said, moving a hand up to brush against his cheek. Electricity crackled in his nerves. "He's dead. It's all over."

Ben closed his eyes, reached out with the Force.

For the first time in his life, the whispers in his head were silent. Gone.

"How am I here?" 

He knew that something had gone horrifically wrong, and that the power that had poured into him was not hers. He could still feel it, the last vestiges of a warm embrace--love, though not necessarily for him. 

"Your grandfather--Anakin Skywalker, the Jedi knight--his apprentice saved you," Rey closed her eyes and he reached up, catching another tear from her lashes. "We're on the Falcon. You're safe."

"I know," he said, all raw and genuine honesty. "I'm with you."

And then she was crying in full and Ben Solo suddenly realized he had no idea what to do--had he said something wrong? Stars, he hadn't meant to, but it had been so long since he'd been this close to anyone, and he wasn't sure he'd ever had a conversation quite like this.

He shifted to try and sit up only to realize she wasn't leaning over him, but was practically sitting on his stomach, and he was pinned underneath of her--

Trying to ignore the traitorous racing of his heart and mind, he reached up and gently pulled at her sweater--an offer, and she gave a quick nod, an answer. He pulled her down to him and held her there, her face buried in the place where his neck met his shoulder, her legs tangling in his as she laid down--sort of beside him, sort of on top of him, this bed definitely wasn't meant for two adults and he had never been so fine with that. He wrapped an arm around her, one hand rubbing gentle circles on her back, the other at her hair, gently rubbing over it like Dad had done when he was younger and was trying to calm him down. She reached up and tugged at one of her buns, and he understood.

It was a little difficult to do with only one hand, but he definitely wasn't above using the Force to make up for the deficit, and he slowly took down her hair, hands trembling a little. He'd dreamed of this before, never imagining--

He gently--reverently--combed his fingers through her hair, holding her a little tighter. 

"It's okay," he murmured, pressing a kiss to her hair, wondering if she could feel his racing heart underneath where her hands were holding onto his sweater as if he'd disappear at any moment. He wasn't entirely sure why she was crying or even how to help, so he just held her close, thankful for how warm--how alive\--she was. 

He waited as she calmed down, held her through the storm, and she finally unburied her head from his shoulder. She scooted up a little so her face was close to his, her hair wild and everywhere and he just wanted to run both his hands through all of it--and he shifted a little, turning on his side just enough to face her and moving enough to share the pillow with her.

"What happens now?" Rey whispered. She was close enough he could feel her breathing, one of his hands still resting on her arm, afraid to let go for fear that somehow the moment would vanish. 

The entirety of the future spread out before him, no longer chained but free--

(Other than the part where he was likely a wanted war criminal, but that could wait for now.)

"Well, typically people start with introductions," he said, and she scrunched up her forehead in confusion. "So...hi. I'm Ben Solo," he flashed her the grin he had watched his dad use so many times to get him through any situation, hoping it would work as well for him as it had for his father. 

She grinned and warmth spread through him like liquid sunlight.

"I'm Rey," she said quietly, a smile on her face that mirrored his. "Go on and ask it, everyone does," she rolled her eyes, and he shook his head. "No really," she said, suddenly serious. "Ask."

"Rey who?" Ben asked, not because it changed anything but because he would have done anything she asked him to do.

"We'll see," she smiled, content, closing her eyes. He knew she had to be exhausted, could feel it in the Force, and she moved closer to him, using his shoulder for a pillow instead, her hand at his chest, and he held her tighter, content to simply listen to her breathe. 

We'll see. He liked that. A whole bright potential ahead of them, a suggestion that they would discover it together. 

He watched her until her breathing evened out and slowed, fast asleep in his arms.

And as much as he wanted to stay awake, he was tired too. He tucked his chin over her head, wrapped his arms a little tighter around her when she shivered in her sleep.

Insomnia had plagued him all his life. Childhood nightmares, dark visions, Sith whispers in his head--sleep had never come easily for him.

But with Rey in his arms and the glow-in-the-dark stars that his father had hung so many years ago above them, Ben Solo--for the first time in his life--slept peacefully.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For all of you who have read this, kudos, and/or commented--thanks. ♡


	13. Chapter 14 - Finding Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “We will learn from each other...  
> And our reflections of one another.  
> We will start something new.”  
> \--”Life” by Sleeping at Last

For the first time since the end of it all, since the Battle of Exegol--Rey felt good. Whole.

Moreover, she actually felt like had finally slept enough for the first time in ages, which was nice. So was the warmth--after a lifetime on Jakku, everywhere felt cold, especially when she slept. 

BB-8 was softly beeping next to her, so she figured it was probably time to wake up. 

The fact that Ben Solo was next to her, close enough that she could feel his heartbeat if she focused just enough, still seemed unreal. 

He seemed so much younger asleep, black hair messy in a way that made her smile. It seemed almost like a dream, but here he was. Breathing, warm, alive. 

She could have stayed right here, like this, but BB-8 was a little more insistent.

There was no good way to extract herself from where she'd fallen asleep in Ben's embrace--Rose was going to have a field day with that--so she just accepted it and squirmed free.

"Wha--?" Ben shuffled, and Rey reached down to brush her fingertips across his forehead.

"Rest," she smiled. "I'll be right back."

She knew first-hand how tiring dying was. She'd slept for days after the battle of Exegol, though everyone else had just attributed it to the general exhaustion everyone had felt. She'd never corrected them.

She twisted her hair back up into its buns in an attempt to look a little more composed and then followed BB-8 to the table where her friends sat waiting like a jury: Finn, Poe, and Chewie at the table. Rose waggled her eyebrows at Rey from her seat on the floor, where she was leaning up against R2.

"Go on," Rey sighed, figuring it was better to get this over with all at once. "Ask."

"Any reason we went to go drag General Organa's punk-ass son out of some magic portal?" Poe asked. There was a slight smile on his face, though, which felt a little promising at least. 

"He saved my life," Rey said, taking a deep breath. She should have told them about this before. "He sacrificed himself to save me. So we went to save him."

"So you're saying he's good now?" Finn asked, frowning a little. "You're sure he's not going to hurt you?"

"We're...a dyad in the Force," she said simply. "We are connected enough in the Force that I am certain of his intentions. He's turned back to the light. Ben's with us."

There was a moment of silence that hung heavy in the room, before Poe burst out laughing and Finn laid his head on the table.

"I knew it!" Poe said, playfully shoving against Finn's shoulder. "I told you! I win!"

Rey hesitated, looking across the faces of her friends.

"Wait…" she paused, trying to put the scene before her together. "You all were taking bets on this?" 

"I mean, to be fair, after Hux, anything was possible," Poe grinned. "And now Finn owes me a good dinner next time we get back to civilization, at a place where we're gonna dress up, no less."

"I figured he wouldn't ever turn," Finn muttered from under his arms, and Chewie gave a triumphant roar that involved something positive about Ben, but Rey had no idea what.

"I told you that his obsession with Rey was more than just war-related," Rose said smugly from the floor, and R2 twittered out an agreement. "Speaking of that," Rose suddenly perked up. "How was your night last night, Rey?"

"Really restful, for the first time," Rey said. "I don't think I woke up once--" she paused, feeling everyone's eyes on her, and her face grew red. "Oh, come on, honestly!"

"Speaking of our sleeping prince," Rose said, stretching and reaching for Rey, who grasped her hand and helped her up. "You want to go tell him that we're not going to kill him once he gets here, no matter how much Poe and Finn might have wanted to at first? We're having bread sandwiches since nobody ever bothers stocking the kitchen before big missions," she said, shooting a glare at Poe.

"There's jam, you'll be fine," Poe shrugged. "Go get your man, Rey, we were all waiting on you for breakfast anyway."

"Fine," Rey rolled her eyes, walking back to the tiny room she'd claimed as hers.

Ben had apparently already been up and awake because he'd taken the time to clean up. He was still in the same clothes he'd been in on Exegol, but his hair was back in place and he looked much fresher than he had when they'd pulled him out of the portal. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, staring down at his hands.

Rey crossed the space between them. She debated sitting beside him for a second, but then figured she'd rather enjoy feeling taller than him for once. He gently took her hands in his and looked up at her.

Between them, and she was pretty sure it wasn't intentional, she could feel his resignation in the Force. So many times he'd failed before, the punishments to come, the ones he'd already endured, scars on skin like a map of his history--

"Hey," she said and he looked up at her, his carefully-neutral face pointless in the wake of the turbulence she could feel inside of him.

"What's the verdict?" 

He asked it blankly, as if the answer didn't matter, and she squeezed his hands gently. 

"The worst," Rey wrinkled her nose and he looked up at her in defeat. "Bread sandwiches."

Rey watched with a small smile of satisfaction as he tried to process what she was saying.

"I've been told there's jam," she added, "but I can promise you that it's probably some unwanted flavor from Jakku, because Finn usually beats us all to the good stuff--"

His hands tightened around hers, something desperate in his eyes that looked faintly like hope, and she smiled, pressing a gentle kiss to his forehead.

"Breakfast, Ben," she said quietly. "Your punishment is family breakfast with us. This...this isn't the First Order. You're home now."

He wrapped his arms around her despite her standing, his face buried in her tunic, and it took her a minute to finally understand what he was whispering--

"Thank you."

#####

Ahch-To was exactly as she'd left it. Poe had set the Falcon down with ease--Rey suspected that Ben was itching to get in the pilot's seat, but despite her crew's welcome to him, he still remained a bit reserved. Finn had at least found a shirt that was somewhat too big for him and Ben wore it now.

It was odd to see him in a color other than black. Rey loved it. Dark blue was a good look on him.

She and Ben were the last ones off the Falcon. Poe and Finn had been discussing the logistics of going back to the Resistance and then sending the Falcon back with Chewie and Rose for Rey and Ben. There was still plenty of work to be done fighting the First Order, although all of them were fine with giving Rey and Ben a little time on Ahch-To to recover. 

Ben looked around the island, taking it all in. A few of the porgs Rey had befriended with crumbs from her rations wasted no time in coming to greet her.

They'd discussed their plans for the immediate future on the hyperspace trip here. No, Ben wasn't ready to see Luke and Leia just yet--soon, hopefully, but not just yet. Yes, he would be interested in meeting his grandfather and the Jedi master he was named after. No, he had no idea what a porg was. Yes, some time on the island before rejoining the rest of the galaxy would be nice.

"Listen," Poe said, drawing Rey away from Ben, who was squatted in front of a porg, engaged in a very intense staring match with it. "Realistically, I'm not sure how long we can really spare the Falcon to leave it here with you. It's--sadly--the fastest ship we have right now. If you two are planning on staying awhile, I may have to see if I can send a second fighter for you--"

Rey held up a hand. They both knew that there weren't really any spare ships at this point. Sure, more people had come to the Resistance's side after the Battle of Exegol, but the First Order wasn't going to be destroyed in a day. Their leadership might have been wiped out, but the remaining factions were still dangerous and still very, very intent on fighting to survive. 

"I don't plan on taking too long, General," she smiled, though she felt a little melancholy about it. All she wanted to do was take a nap, but she couldn't afford to abandon the Resistance now--not when they still needed her. There would be time to retire to Ahch-To and learn from her ghosts, with Ben--that time wasn't now. 

If he wanted to stay here, she'd understand. She could leave Luke's x-wing for him and go back with whomever when they returned with the Falcon. She knew she should probably leave with them now, but realistically she did need some time to recover from nearly dying from a Force wound. Just...not too much time.

"Give us a few weeks to recover and then send Chewie or someone back for me," she said.

"Just you?" Poe asked, his eyes sliding over to Ben, still engaged in a stand-down with a porg that Anakin had named Nobi, saying that it, like his master, looked far too serious. Obi-Wan had not been impressed. 

"Not sure yet," Rey said quietly. Finn, Rose, and Chewie walked over.

"You ready to go, General?" Finn asked.

"Almost, General," Poe winked.

"Is Rey coming with us, General?" Finn cut his eyes over to her, but it was Rose that interrupted them. 

"Can you two stop already?" Rose rolled her eyes. "Let the girl recover. When do you want us to come back for you, Rey? We can leave R2 or BB8--"

"You can't just volunteer my son!"

"--and you can comm us when you're ready," Rose finished. "Sound good?"

"Yeah, it does," Rey nodded. "You can leave whoever wants to stay of the two of them. I do know R2's enjoyed his time here, though."

Rey sensed motion next to her. Ben had stood up and joined her, looking hesitantly at the group. Finn and Poe kept cutting their eyes over to Rey for a cue she didn't know to give.

"I wanted to say thank you," Ben said, sounding a little stronger than he had in days. "For coming for me. For giving me a chance. I...know I don't deserve it."

"Nobody ever does," Poe shrugged. "That's the thing about it." He held his hand out for Ben to shake, but the second Ben clasped his hand, he pulled him in for what Rey always referred to as the bro-hug. Rey could feel both Ben's complete shock and Poe's trepidation in the Force--this wasn't easy for him.

She understood that. But she could also sense Poe's resolve, his love for Leia--the real reason he was willing to do this. From Finn, it was for her. For Chewie, this was his nephew finally coming home. Rose just seemed happy to see Rey happy.

She loved them all so much. 

"We'll come back when you tell us to," Finn said, hugging Rey. "And don't you two--y'know," he muttered in Rey's ear. "If he bothers you, you just call--"

"I'm sure I'll be fine, Finn," Rey grinned, kissing his cheek. "Don't worry."

"You keep in touch in the meantime, though," Rose said, poking a finger into Ben's chest. She was almost comically shorter than him, but in this moment, he looked completely terrified by her. "Don't you let her forget to call us!"

"Yes, ma'am," Ben stuttered, and Poe burst out laughing.

Goodbyes were never easy. Rey hated them more than anything, especially as she watched the Falcon zip out of atmosphere. Goodbye came with the possibility of never seeing someone again, nothing but tally marks in scratched metal to count the days spent alone--

"You're not alone," Ben said quietly, wrapping an arm around her shoulder. She let him draw her close to him, savoring a moment she'd never thought possible.

"Neither are you," she smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought there would only be 13 chapters I'M SORRY I CAN'T COUNT I SWEAR I'LL STOP NEXT CHAPTER


	14. Chapter 14 - Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HI HEY HELLO here is the happiness and fluff I promised you ♡ IT IS FINISHED!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Now I have learned my lesson  
> The price of this so-called perfection is everything  
> I spend my whole life searching desperately  
> To find out grace requires nothing of me."  
> \--"One" by Sleeping at Last

Ahch-To was a mystery that Ben couldn't quite seem to wrap his head around. The planet was clearly connected to the Light, but at its core, there was still a certain sense of darkness.

He'd avoided it, about as much as he'd avoided coming to terms with every decision that had led him to this point. There was only one that he didn't regret, and she was meditating at the edge of a cliff, facing the early morning suns. 

He didn't want to bother her but just sitting here was making him nervous. The pull of the darkness itched at his periphery and though he never wanted to go back down that path, old addictions were proving to be difficult to immediately break.

Ben Solo would have been fine with never training as a Jedi or any sort of Force-user, to be honest. Rey hadn't really pushed it on him. He was more than happy to practice with her for the sake of training--the unfamiliar weight of his mother's lightsaber as strange as all the other things he'd never had a chance to learn about her--but becoming a Jedi wasn't high on his priority list.

Honestly, he'd cut himself off from the Force entirely if he wasn't so afraid of whether it would hurt her through the dyad bond.

And while the Force might have been the catalyst for the dark trajectory his life took, it had also brought him to her, and her light at the edges of his periphery was really all that kept him grounded.

She showed no signs of moving any time and if anything, his restlessness was probably more distracting to her, so he unfolded himself from the criss-cross meditation pose that he'd never really liked. Rey kept her eyes closed, a halo of tiny rocks floating around her, angelic. A few porgs watched with curiosity. 

Ben walked off, then started running.

It felt good--the burning in his lungs, his muscles. Other than sparring with Rey, he hadn't pushed himself too hard since coming back to life. The mindlessness of it was a welcome relief from the pressure in his head, the looming horror at the evil he'd done that he'd never be able to erase.

How would he ever face his mother like this? 

He felt a sudden jolt in the Force and skidded to a stop. This Force signature was….unknown. Not Luke. Not his mother. Not Rey. And yet...it resonated in him. If Rey was his harmony, a perfect chord, then this was a mirror, a melody in perfect unison with him. 

It took a moment for the energy to take shape. Blue, ghostlike--Rey had told him all about the ghosts on this island, but he'd withdrawn so far into himself in the Force that none had appeared to him and he certainly hadn't gone to seek them out. 

Her form flickered for a moment--old, then young, then somewhere in the middle. A girl, Togruta. She felt so familiar, but he knew he'd never seen her before.

No sooner than she had steadied herself than another form appeared--a young man with a beard, clearly Jedi.

They might have been ghosts, but their actions were still so lifelike, so normal. The girl stared in shock for half a moment, then squealed, launching herself into his arms.

"Obi-Wan!"

Something startled in Ben's heart. This was the man whose name he wore--the man who had once been his mother's only hope, his uncle's mentor, and, from what Rey had told him, Jedi master to his grandfather. 

"Ahsoka," Obi-Wan said, emotion heavy in his voice. "Oh, how I've missed you."

Ahsoka Tano. This was the one who had given up her life to bring him back. That explained the draw to her. He wanted to thank her, to meet her, but he held back, not wanting to interrupt the reunion. 

It was...nice. To see how happy they were to see each other. Rey and Uncle Chewie had been happy to see him. They'd probably be the only ones. It was something he was trying to adjust to, accept. 

After a long moment, she finally pulled back from him, although they stayed physically touching, their hands clasped around the other's forearms. 

"Where is he?" Ahsoka asked.

"He doesn't think you want to see him," Obi-Wan said quietly. "Especially after all he's done."

Ben felt his heart twisting inside of him. He knew only of the awful things his grandfather had done--slaughtered Jedi in droves, tortured his mother, took his uncle's arm, the Death Star--and he was nothing but an echo of that darkness. Sins repeated throughout time. 

He knew how it felt...to want to hide. Forever. Unforgivable, a monster.

"Anakin," Ahsoka said, raising her voice, letting go of Obi-Wan to put her hands on her hips. "Anakin!"

"I told you, Ahsoka--"

"Anakin, if you don't get your ass out here this second--"

A moment later, his grandfather appeared.

The resemblance to Luke was shocking. The same sandy hair, facial structure.

But his signature in the Force, so powerful, raw and ragged?

That felt nearly identical to his mother.

He looked nervous more than anything, terrified of this Togruta girl who met his eyes but looked a far more imposing figure with her montrals and her fearless stance. 

"You asshole," she scowled, punching his shoulder. He flinched, though Ben doubted that it hurt physically. "You've been a ghost this long and you couldn't be bothered to materialize to visit me even once?!"

A dawning look was slowly growing in his eyes. Ben knew that look, had seen it himself in Rey's eyes the first time, after Snoke--

Hope.

"I've been sitting in the literal nexus of the damn Force--"

"Snips," he interrupted. "Watch your fucking language."

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes--apparently Ben was missing some long-past joke--and Anakin looked completely mortified for half a second before Ahsoka launched herself at him.

It was hard to look at her. In one moment, she was as he'd seen her when she first settled on a form--a younger adult--in another she was practically a child again.

And his grandfather, Anakin Skywalker, was sobbing openly, the words "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Ahsoka," between choked breaths and all the pain he radiated in the Force--all the regret, disgust, horror, fear, pain--all of it was his, and Ben quickly pressed his hands against his own eyes because this--these--were all his own feelings, reverberating through the ghost of his grandfather, and this reunion was everything he'd been putting off, with his mother, his uncle, hell, even authentically with Rey at this point--

"I don't expect you to forgive me," Anakin finally said, pulling away from her just enough to look her in the eyes. She looked like an older teenager now. "I know there's nothing I can do to make it better."

"You're right," Ahsoka said, and Anakin stared at the ground until she reached over and flicked his shoulder. "But that's the point. It's not about you. Forgiveness requires nothing on the part of the recipient. Do what you need to do to try and atone for your mistakes. It may never balance out, but it's the act of doing it, you know? Of making that effort. But take your grace where you can get it." She may have been talking to Anakin, but Ben could have sworn he felt her glance in his direction. 

"You've grown up so much," Anakin said, his voice full of emotion. 

"You have too, Master," she said quietly, grabbing both Obi-Wan and Anakin and yanking them both in for a hug. 

Would it truly be that easy? Ben knew he'd never be able to erase the mistakes he'd made, to cleanse the bloodstains from his soul. Would it be enough--to try his hardest and accept forgiveness from the few beings who might give it to him?

He had to live, he knew that--for Rey, for her health. He'd debated exiling himself to the furthest edges of the galaxy, maybe even here on Ahch-To. He'd even considered whether freezing himself in carbonite would hurt Rey or whether it could just effectively end him while keeping her safe. But the idea that maybe he could move forward, try to put some good in the galaxy…

It felt a little like hope.

Ahsoka pulled back from the hug, still keeping a hand on each Jedi next to her, and this time she did look directly at Ben.

"Come introduce yourself, kid," she smiled, and Ben hesitantly walked over. How much did they know already? "Anakin, this is--"

"My grandson," Anakin said, reaching to Ben, his ghostly hand hovering right over Ben's shoulder. "Ben, I am so, so sorry. I tried so hard to contact you, to answer you, to tell you the truth, but he...he had you wrapped up in his darkness just like me," Anakin's voice dropped to a whisper. "At least I chose it. You never had a chance."

"I could have turned away but didn't," Ben said, though the truth of it cut like a knife. "It's not your fault."

There was something...profound...about the moment, though. To finally meet the grandfather he'd idolized...only to realize that they had even more in common than he had initially thought when comparing them as Kylo Ren and Vader. He'd always wanted to know his grandfather…

Maybe they would now, as Ben and Anakin.

"I can't believe they named him after you," Anakin said, wrinkling his nose at Obi-Wan, who snorted. "What a mistake."

"I agree," Ahsoka nodded. "Imagine if Leia had known about your daring padawan. We could have been looking at Ahsoka the second here."

"I like the name Ben," Obi-Wan shrugged.

"It isn't even your name!" Anakin threw his hands into the air. "I read your records when I was a kid, there was nothing--nothing!--that even mentioned a Ben!"

"It…" Obi-Wan hesitated, rubbing his forehead. "It was a nickname. From Satine." Whoever that was, it shut Anakin and Ahsoka up quickly. Obi-Wan looked to Ben instead. "Leia couldn't have known that, but...I'm glad it lives on in you, regardless."

"Thank you," Ben said, turning to Ahsoka. "For saving Rey's life."

"And yours, Ben," Ahsoka said gently as Ben stared at the ground, wishing he could disappear into it forever. "The galaxy has been in darkness far too long. It's time to come into the light."

He looked up into his grandfather's eyes and saw the conflict, the regret. Anakin Skywalker understood. Understood the heaviness of walking away from horrific decisions, of acknowledging the darkness within, of admitting the atrocities committed. 

Maybe, together, they could learn how to live through it. 

"Together," Anakin said gently, and Ben finally stopped holding back the tears.

#####

Rey didn't find him until midday, but he didn't mind. He'd spent the time getting to know his grandfather--and the strange extended family of Anakin's that was Obi-Wan and Ahsoka who just as easily seemed to claim Ben as their grandson too. The last hour he'd spent alone, sitting in the grass, breathing in the salty sea air and just...living, without the constant rage and ever-present fear. 

Rey plopped down beside him and handed him a sandwich. The bread looked kind of fluffy and had some vegetable and cheese that was tinted blue.

"It's surprisingly good," Rey said, chomping down a huge bite of hers. Ben wasn't sure whether he was impressed or afraid she'd choke. "The caretakers gave me some. I already ate one on the way here," she smiled sheepishly and his heart pounded in response--she was here, with him, smiling, at him. "I can ask for another if you're still hungry after this one."

"I'm sure I'll be fine," he said, taking the sandwich out of the napkin it was wrapped in. Closer inspection revealed some sort of herb on the sandwich too. He bit into it, surprised at how good it tasted.

"I know, right? I always bring ration bars just in case but you can't beat this stuff," she said, closing her eyes. She had her hair half down today, only the top part pulled back, and the loose ends of her hair were fluttering in the gentle breeze. "I mean, ration bars are good too."

Ben snorted.

"Rey, they're barely edible."

"They're so much bigger than the ones we had on Jakku," she said distantly, her mind clearly lightyears away and Ben winced. Of course. She'd had to scavenge half her life, of course she wouldn't turn down food. He handed her the unfinished half of his sandwich as an offering and she took it with no question, chomping down on it.

They sat there in peaceful silence, watching the porgs, the waves. At some point, she'd leaned against his arm which was definitely going numb from that coupled with the way he was sitting, but he wasn't about to disturb her. Instead, he'd just tilted his head over, resting it on top of hers.

He had no idea what the future held, but...maybe he could face it, with her.

"What did you want to be when you grew up?" Rey asked quietly. She shifted a little and he moved his arm, holding it out as an offer. She nestled closer and he put his arm around her shoulder, hoping she couldn't hear his racing heart.

"You mean like when I was a kid?" Ben asked, and she nodded. Stars, the answer was right there, just like it had always been. "A pilot."

"Really?" Rey sounded surprised. "Not a Jedi?"

"Nope. Not even when they sent me to my uncle," he admitted. "I just...wanted to fly, like my father. I wanted to be a pilot, best in the galaxy."

"I mean, you do come from a history of those," Rey said. "Your dad, obviously, and Obi-Wan told me some absolutely crazy stories of your grandfather flying back in the Clone Wars."

Ben made a mental note to ask about those at some point.

"What about you?" he asked. "What did you want to be when you grew up?"

Rey didn't answer at first. Instead, she reached across him, taking his other hand in hers. She threaded her fingers through his, and he held her a little tighter.

"Wanted," she said quietly. "Known. Understood. Loved."

Dying had felt like being ripped in two. The strange half-memories of his time between had felt like was coming apart at the seams. Somehow, neither compared to how he felt now, like something inside of him was being twisted, choking.

Because hadn't he longed for the same thing? At least he'd never been truly abandoned, but the loneliness, the isolation--he understood that, her pain echoing in his own memories. 

He let go of her and she kept staring at the ground. He placed his hands on her shoulders and gently turned her to face him. She had her eyes closed but even that couldn't hide the pain in the bond between them. 

"Rey," he said, hoarse noise betraying emotions he'd kept hidden for too long. She opened her brown eyes and they were shining, a reflection of his, of Anakin's, of all the lost children looking for their place in an unforgiving galaxy. Keeping one hand on her shoulder, he reached out with the other, gently cupping her cheek, pressing his forehead to hers so there was barely a breath of space left between them. "You...you have all of those," he whispered. "If you want."

The unspoken end of that sentence hung heavy between them. If you want me. He knew he was no prize, broken as he was, but as long as he drew breath, she'd never be alone again if she--if she wanted--

The week they'd spent together since his return from the Between had held nothing like that frantic kiss on Exegol, but he hadn't minded. It had been friendly, peaceful, slow and quiet and kind and he was fine with whatever she wanted, even if it wasn't him, even if--

"But for how long, Ben?" Rey murmured, reaching up and mirroring his action, her hand warm on his face as entire star systems burst to life beneath his skin. 

There was a certain amount of shielding he had done in their bond since it had first opened. It had been more complicated, the dyad aspect of it making it more difficult to do that, but they'd both figured it out quickly enough. After all, she didn't need to be bothered with every errant thought he had. But here, in this moment where he had to make sure she understood, he dropped every single one of them so she could feel every emotion racing for him, for better or for worse. He'd been mortified the first time she'd caught him shirtless even if he had played it off nonchalantly, but this? This was somehow far more exposing, more intimate, and he felt her jolt a little in surprise before letting hers down as well. 

Every synapse burst into electricity at the connection between them and it was hard to untangle what was him and what was her, whose fear of rejection and isolation was whose, which one of them was more worried that the other would leave--

"How long?" Ben echoed her question, felt her nod against his forehead, felt her hand trembling on his cheek, felt his own heart racing in sync with hers. "As long as you want, Rey," he said, his voice breaking on her name. "As long as you'll have me and even if you're done, you'll hold my heart as long as I live."

In the holodramas, he'd always rolled his eyes at these parts, because it was nonsense. Who could promise how they'd feel forever?

But here, he knew it was real, could see a million possibilities in the Force but all of them were her--

The Force had brought them together, made them two parts of a whole, and he, Ben, the shadow at her side, ever-present in her light--

He knew that for him, there was no going back. He was in for good, lost forever, entirely at the mercy of whatever she decided. 

He could feel her in the Force, exploring, testing the veracity of that kind of promise and he let her in, let her explore every dark and broken corner of his soul so she could know, so she could see him as he truly was at his most vulnerable--

And with all of those shields down and the connection between them closer than it had ever been, she drew him close to her and kissed him.

There were a million stars in his mind, radiant and full of hope and now he felt her, everything she was projecting, and while his thoughts were scattered like fragments of a broken mirror, hers were coherent and clear--

The belonging you seek is not behind you, it's ahead--

You're not alone.

"Neither are you," he murmured into their kiss, felt her smile against his lips, definitely didn't protest as she kissed him harder, held him tighter--

Perhaps this was what hope tasted like. Saltwater breezes and fresh air and her, always and forever, her.

#####

The Falcon returned as they'd planned after two weeks. As she'd promised, Rey had daily called into the Resistance via R2, so the arrival was planned. 

Rey and Ben stood a safe distance away as it came in for its landing.

"You're sure about this?" Rey squeezed his hand until he looked at her. She looked nervous but excited, hopeful and determined. "It...it won't be easy. I understand if--"

"I'm sure," he said, pressing a kiss to the top of her head while she made some tiny noise of protest about him being too tall or something. 

They walked towards the Falcon as the landing gear engaged, the boarding ramp lowering to reveal who had arrived. It was Uncle Chewie and Rose who had come to pick Rey up. There was Resistance work to be done, planets to liberate, First Order bases to defeat.

Chewie swept Rey up in a hug the second they made it over before passing her off to Rose. He walked over to Ben before wrapping him in a hug too.

I missed you, he said, and Ben squeezed back a little harder.

"I missed you too, Uncle," he whispered. "I'm so sorry--"

Enough, his uncle responded, staring down at him with stern eyes and a smile. 

Then he put a hand on Ben's hair and ruffled it until he was a proper mess, just like he'd done when Ben was a kid. 

"You ready to roll, Rey?" Rose asked, and Ben couldn't miss the way her eyes were flitting between Rey and him.

"Sure am," Rey said, stretching. "Walk me in?" she smiled, holding out a hand. Ben offered his elbow and she took it.

He dropped off her bags--he certainly hadn't had any--at his old room that she'd apparently claimed as hers and then followed her to the cockpit, his heart hammering. 

Chewie sat in the pilot's seat, Rose in the co-pilot chair. Rey stopped behind them, turning to face Ben.

"You sure about this?" she asked, taking his hands in hers.

"Positive," Ben nodded, taking a deep breath. "Uncle Chewie?"

Rose snorted at that but Chewbacca only turned around, the beginning of a smile on his face.

"I believe you're in my seat," he said with a shaky grin and Chewie roared his approval, standing up and practically shoving Ben into the pilot's seat.

Rose arched an eyebrow at him. Ben wasn't entirely sure how to read her, but she was Rey's friend so that...that would come in time.

"And that's Rey's seat," he said, and Rose stood up grinning, slapping hands with Rey in some sort of...camaraderie that looked strangely like victory as Rey claimed the seat beside him.

"You ready?" Rey asked and the question was layered.

"As ready as I'll ever be," he said, running his fingers over the controls of the first ship he'd ever flown, back with Dad at his shoulder--where Ben knew he still was, in some cosmic way--

And lifting off and heading towards space was liberating but also like coming home-

"You ready?" he asked Rey, who was grinning uncontrollably.

"Sure thing, Ben."

He felt Uncle Chewie's hand on his shoulder, Rey at his side and in his soul--

And Ben Solo grinned that crooked smile that he'd gotten from his father, just like this ship and his dreams--

It was time. Time to move forward, no matter how hard it would be.

"Punch it, Rey."

And the stars blurred to lines as they went, together--

Forward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading 😭 This has been the first time I've written fanfic with like...a chronological plotline, haha. I hope you liked it.
> 
> I still want to write these two so I may add some one-shots if anyone else is feeling it?
> 
> Either way, thanks for reading. Love you all ♡

**Author's Note:**

> This is set between the hug scene but before Rey goes to Tattooine. 
> 
> I hope you like it ♡ May it heal some of our broken hearts, amirite?
> 
> Comments are always welcome as I live for the validation of strangers 😂


End file.
